Wake Me Up When Semester Ends

The year has come and past, the innocent can never last, wake me up when semester ends.

Right let’s go,this is a end of semester wrap up, a big long “in conclusion” to the whole term and 1st year in general. What i’ve gained,what i’ve lost, the people i’ve met along the way and how i’ve generally felt right the way through all of it. I’m going to be honest,brutally honest in some parts.

I’ll divide this into three parts,I – Academics, II- The People, and III- Me

I- Academics

On the Academics front, it’s been positive. I know there’s much room for improvement in certain areas. I’m not the level i want to be at this current time, but if i improve as much next year as i did from the start of this year, i should be damn near okay on getting there.

I’ve learned a lot this year,a lot. I don’t think ive read as much in one year as ive had this year,it’s super rewarding knowing i can look back on myself in last september and know, i’m a smarter person than he was.

On a run down of every module, JM4011 with Mary and Henry was great introduction. Mary can be blunt and tough on ya but you take it because she know’s what she’s talking about,you need to be pushed to make yourself better and Mary is great at that. Henry was interesting,more laid back but at the end of the day, the philosophy about news and Journalism is always going to be.

PO4013 was different, Maura’s a pretty great lecturer, even if i was bored of my tits for nearly every lecture, but that just goes to show how good she is. It takes a great teacher to make the boring shit listenable. This class also had Shane, who by all accounts became a hero to all of us by the end.

HI4071 & EH4141 were similar by the fact that, i would both pay cash to sit and listen to Alistar Malcolm and David Coughlan,they could talk about anything, if a class is on and they’re teaching, i’m there.

CU4121………..what a mess. Got an A1 in it so fuck it,best module ever.

Moving onto this semester…

Again English and History were similar, but this time it was because they sort of stagnated. They were fine but i was expecting more from both modules. I chose English over history, next year on the account, i think english will be more varied in terms of what will be taught.

Technical Writing was a surprise i must admit, the first couple weeks were shakey,it was looking like Cultural Studies all over again but i don’t know, towards the middle of the semester, it really turned around on me, i enjoyed writing these blogs a little more each week, and all the website stuff really hooked me, believe me i wouldn’t have spent a month working on my webiste if i wasn’t invested.

Radio as y’know, i was exempt. One thing though. I will always side with my classmates when they’re right but fam,from my perspective atleast(and note i didn’t go to any of the lectures or tutorials so i more than likely missed things,i will at every stage give them the benefit of the doubt) i thought their carry on with radio was disrespectful towards Audrey.

Now i ain’t no snitch, so i wont be quoting any source here,i found it kinda embarrassing with some of the stuff they were saying. Everyone’s situation is different, i get that. They don’t know what i’ve gone through and visa versa. I, a graduate of the Access Course, took this class, spring of 2019, when some of my classmates where still doing their mocks. I, 6 months fresh out of secondary school took a chance and applied for the Access Course.

I got it(how i don’t know) but i got it and straight away was met with “Yeah learn everything there is to know about college, how to write academically, how to reference, how to do this, how to do that and oh yeah, catch up with a whole semester of students and write, plan, get in touch and conduct a handful of interviews” And not once did i moan or complain(well i kinda am now) about how difficult it was or how i didn’t have time of the knowledge, bitch save me the song, cause i’m conducting this choir.

Listening how this deadline,and that deadline was unfair,how do we this, we weren’t taught that. I know,i know, i know, i sound like a asshole, cause i bloody hell felt/feel it. But this ain’t junior infants, this is college, it’s supposed to challenge you, i certainly felt challenged catching up on notes and lectures i’d wasn’t there for and learning,practicing and producing my radio assignment all on a 7 day free adobe trial on my slow ass laptop, shit was hard. But i got through it, so to hear that they didn’t have to go out and interview people, that all the audio was handed to them,they were given a all access and unlimited free trial for adobe, i was like, HOW ON EARTH DO YOU NEED A COUPLE MORE WEEKS?!,it’s essentially given to you, your just putting the right shapes in the right hole like it’s fucking Junior Infants. Like c’mon. God if i felt like and asshole before i certainly feel like a gowl now. I think i’m one of the few if not only person that like Audrey,her teachings and advise fucking saved me during the access course, she got me(a fucking moron) to pass in flying colours, if i may say so myself. So i’m eternally grateful to her, if it wasn’t for her, this blog wouldn’t exist, and isn’t that the biggest crime of all.

(That was a pretty long “one thing” huh)

II- The People

Without doubt the best thing about the year has been the people, i don’t know how to efficiently structure this part so i’ll try a list and see how it goes

Every Lectuer,Tutor or anyone that that taught me something-I haven’t got a bad thing to say about any of you.

Two i particular, David Coughlan,man i enjoyed every second of his lectures, he’s up there with my favorite ever teachers, he’s reached the top tier.

The other person in particular is Kathryn “Bring it Home ” Hayes, i think i told Mark this and there’s no way she remembers but Kathryn is the sole reason i chose to do Journalism. Her talk at a UL open day and a visit she paid to Munchins left me amazed,like my god this sounds great, i want to do what this person does. So when at the start of September i met her again i was in my head like(omfg it’s her, i’ve made it).

The Class(In no particular order) to keep this short i’ll only give a brief summary.

Caleb Brennan- A good friend,i hope he doesn’t take my jokes personally cause i really look up to the dude(even though he’s 5’8,i’m sorry caleb)

Xan-I’ll keep this short(like him). I’m positive no one’s made me smile as much in the last 365 days as he has, what a gift he’s been to me.

Ellen Gough – God she’s cool, kinda misjudged her at the start but now i have a ton of respect for her.

Mark- Wow where to start, i could say a lot of things, but the man is a good and true friend,a one of a kind.

James R.M.- I don’t think someone’s unintentionally pushed me to be better than James has, man is almost perfect.

Sadhbh Pierce- I don’t think i could’ve got this far without sadhbh, my days would’ve been too dull without her back in my life being a rock for me

Ben- I felt horrible how badly i misjudged him, something i drunkily showed to him over a few pints in stables, want to get to know him more,Grade A man.

Erin-Again i feel bad about misjudging her, girls got a heart of gold.If i answer anymore questions she asks, i’m gonna have to start charging her .

To: Ellen, Aishlin, Siadhbh, Odhran, James.H, Joe, Riona, Jodie, Aislinn, Niamh, Alison, Aoife and Ciara. -I feel sad i don’t know you any better after 1st year, i’d sure like to( i get the feeling, for some it’s because you don’t like/ can’t stand me) but there’s nothing i can do about changing that til September, i hope ye’r all doing fine.

III-ME

I don’t really like talking about myself all that much,like really personal shit. But here goes,i’ve felt for a long time through this year that i wasn’t good enough, i know, i worked hard,i’ve done this on my own,never got no grinds or extra help or any of that shit, i’ve got here off the back of the teachers i’ve had and my ability.

But so many times through both semesters i got struck often with, “wow, i can’t do this” or “_____ and______ and____ are way better,like what’s the point of even trying,” sometimes i was having days of going to class,hanging out with people and i’d be thinking,”like do i even mean anything to these people”, some actions,one in particular really solidified this in my head like,am i just surrounded by people that act friendly but’ll just leave me the second we’re done.

So i found so much comfort in people like Xan,sadhbh and Mark in particular, like i’m sure as shit, that they ain’t lying. Like i’m a very paranoid/anxious person so hearing some of the stuff those 3 have said to me over the past year has really allowed me to breath. I don’t know why i’m like this,why do i think like this like “yeah,but they don’t really like me”, maybe it’s because i’m a shitty person, god knows i know that. It’s all very confusing. I just want clarity.

One final thing, something that has loomed over me this whole year, well not the whole year, the 10th of September 2019, to be exact.

Now this is something I’ve only told to My parents and Mark.

So…. yeah,here we are

IV-Antoinette Massey

Fucking hell, where to start. Actually,let’s start off with her Hoodie. Her hoodie is so distinct in my mind even tough, it isn’t a rare type. A dark purple hood, with black lacing and a white and fluffy inside to keep her warm from the cold,anything could happen in any day, but i could always rely on Antoinette coming to class in that Purple Hoodie. She’s dead now.

It’s funny y’know. For god near every day since she died on the 10th of september, i’ve thought about her nearly everyday and gone over every time i talked to her,all the bus rides into town we got together,fucking damn near everything i can remember about her, almost everyday.

I told mark all this just before UL closed due to covid, he talked about this talk in his blog here, i’m the friend that needed to get something of his chest, that talk damn near broke me. The first time i opened my mouth about Antoinette in months. But let’s go back to the start.

September 10th,2019 started like any normal day, until of course, someone in the access course group chat posts a screenshot of Antoinette’s mother’s facebook page, she posted about how Antoinette hadn’t come home and asked if anybody knew where she was to contact her, immediately i denied it, no,no,no, it’s okay,she’s fine,it’s okay,

Then her close friends are posting R.I.P memorials on their facebook pages and now i’m starting to get worried until about 5 in the afternoon when the Limerick post or leader i can’t remember which confirms they’ve recovered the body of 20 year old woman who took her life.

And of all the reactions i could’ve predicted having, upon losing a good friend for the first time in my life, i did something i didn’t predict, i felt nothing. And i felt bad that i felt nothing, here was her family,her friends, all us taken this news and felt nothing,i hated myself.

I went into the college the next day probably got something to eat with caleb,xan and sadhbh all the while thinking “what the fucks wrong with me,” i should feel so sad that i should not able to go in and here i am making the same jokes in the library cafe like it’s nothing. I was lost for a couple days, then out of nowhere it hit me all at once,i don’t think i’ve cried as much in my life as i did for those next few days, packets of tissues being opened and thrown away the same day, it was horrible, but that wasn’t the worst of it.

I made my way to Antoinette’s wake, i wasn’t expecting laughs but i felt what my dad must’ve felt when he visited Auschwitz. It was…it was soul crushing, seeing her younger sisters(who are younger than my younger sister) bawling their eyes out. I was so sad i couldn’t even cry,i was so shocked at how sad it was.

I entered cross funeral homes, signed the register and then i saw her,face pointed to me, her family in the room with her, i shook everyone’s hand, i felt bad, on the account that no one knew who i was, i was a stranger interrupting one of the hardest moments in their lives and i’m tearing up as i make my way across the room, making sure i show everyone the respect they deserve, i took one last look at Antoinette and i left,i stayed outside the funeral home for a couple hours,out of respect mainly but also to see who from the access course didn’t show, most did but for the ones that didn’t they’re dead to me now.

A couple days later i went to her funeral mass, i remember i had a early class that day so, i went to college sat took the class, then booked it, got a lift went to the funeral.

I don’t know how it compares because it was the first funeral i’d gone to but that church was packed,i mean packed,there wasn’t any space to sit down so i stood at the back,i was the only one from the course to go the funeral but i wrote all those who went to the wake into the register.

I left early, got a lift into town,hopped on the bus and made just on time to my English lecture, all without xan,sadhbh or caleb knowing,well ye’ll know now if you read this.

Since then like i said i’ve thought about her nearly everyday, the bus to UL goes passed Oliver Cemetery on it’s way into and from town, so i thought about at her least twice every day each semester.

Thoughts consisting of my memories of her, like how on the first day of the access course,we were the first people we met, in the main building front entrance and how we both confessed how scared shitless we were.

Thoughts about her purple hoodie,whats worse is that because it’s a common hoodie there’s been times ive walked passed someone or someones got on the bus and for a split second i think it’s Antoinette, it’s fucking horrible.

Other thoughts are how one day i’ll visit her grave, i don’t know where in the cemetery she’s buried but one day i’ll go and find it.

Other thoughts and here’s where we get dark

Like what were her final thoughts,what was she thinking about? Her mother ,her sisters,her ex that broke up with her before summer,those and so many more questions i asked myself that i’ll never get an answer to and i know it,but i still ask myself.

Another thing was that i remember her one day talking about her mental health problems and how the class and me especially just brushed it off,like “yeah you’ll be fine love.”

I swear if at the end of my life, when i’m 75 or something, if i was asked if you could change one thinga bout your life(like it’s “To the Moon”), i wouldn’t tell my childhood crush Rachel ____ how much i loved her,or go back and talk to my parents, i’d fucking tell Antoinette that she wasn’t alone, that i could help her,that i’d be there for her if she needed me(Fuck, i almost crying). I was ignorant and blind and if i fucking done something, Antoinette,some poor woman’s daughter, someone’s love of their life,my fucking friend would still be on this earth and not 6 feet under.

Also, i wonder every time i get told that i’m helpful or i someone thanks me for helping them out with something, i wonder “Am i doing this because i want to or is that i feel deep down, that i’m guilty that i wasn’t to Antoinette.” So now i help any chance i get. To make up for it i suppose.

These questions will ruin me.

Like why her, out of all people why her. She was so smart and witty, far more than i could ever be, she was brave and fearless. A beautiful woman whose words could make you feel so warm inside but could also cut you in half with them if you fucked with her. Like why her, she had her whole life ahead of her and now it’s done,like why not me,it’s selfish to say but why not, why her over me or anyone else, she didn’t deserve this.

That last time i met her was a few days before she passed,i caught up with a few of the lads from the access course on our first day back and there she was with Lauren(i believe), she seemed no different, the same Antoinette,the same as she always was.

Remember when this was about college, me too.

That’s all i really have to say, i’m pretty sure i’m forgetting something about her.

I don’t know if i’ll continue with this blog, i might do but we’ll have to wait and see.

God, Antoinette, if i could see you again, i’d just say, that i’m sorry.

The year has come to pass,the innocent can never last,wake me up when semester ends.

Rest in peace Antoinette Massey, you’ll forever be in my heart and always on my mind.

Mind Yourself and never be scared to be speak up about how your feeling.

Seán