Author: Sean Finnan

The year has come and past, the innocent can never last, wake me up when semester ends.

Right let’s go,this is a end of semester wrap up, a big long “in conclusion” to the whole term and 1st year in general. What i’ve gained,what i’ve lost, the people i’ve met along the way and how i’ve generally felt right the way through all of it. I’m going to be honest,brutally honest in some parts.

I’ll divide this into three parts,I – Academics, II- The People, and III- Me

I- Academics

On the Academics front, it’s been positive. I know there’s much room for improvement in certain areas. I’m not the level i want to be at this current time, but if i improve as much next year as i did from the start of this year, i should be damn near okay on getting there.

I’ve learned a lot this year,a lot. I don’t think ive read as much in one year as ive had this year,it’s super rewarding knowing i can look back on myself in last september and know, i’m a smarter person than he was.

On a run down of every module, JM4011 with Mary and Henry was great introduction. Mary can be blunt and tough on ya but you take it because she know’s what she’s talking about,you need to be pushed to make yourself better and Mary is great at that. Henry was interesting,more laid back but at the end of the day, the philosophy about news and Journalism is always going to be.

PO4013 was different, Maura’s a pretty great lecturer, even if i was bored of my tits for nearly every lecture, but that just goes to show how good she is. It takes a great teacher to make the boring shit listenable. This class also had Shane, who by all accounts became a hero to all of us by the end.

HI4071 & EH4141 were similar by the fact that, i would both pay cash to sit and listen to Alistar Malcolm and David Coughlan,they could talk about anything, if a class is on and they’re teaching, i’m there.

CU4121………..what a mess. Got an A1 in it so fuck it,best module ever.

Moving onto this semester…

Again English and History were similar, but this time it was because they sort of stagnated. They were fine but i was expecting more from both modules. I chose English over history, next year on the account, i think english will be more varied in terms of what will be taught.

Technical Writing was a surprise i must admit, the first couple weeks were shakey,it was looking like Cultural Studies all over again but i don’t know, towards the middle of the semester, it really turned around on me, i enjoyed writing these blogs a little more each week, and all the website stuff really hooked me, believe me i wouldn’t have spent a month working on my webiste if i wasn’t invested.

Radio as y’know, i was exempt. One thing though. I will always side with my classmates when they’re right but fam,from my perspective atleast(and note i didn’t go to any of the lectures or tutorials so i more than likely missed things,i will at every stage give them the benefit of the doubt) i thought their carry on with radio was disrespectful towards Audrey.

Now i ain’t no snitch, so i wont be quoting any source here,i found it kinda embarrassing with some of the stuff they were saying. Everyone’s situation is different, i get that. They don’t know what i’ve gone through and visa versa. I, a graduate of the Access Course, took this class, spring of 2019, when some of my classmates where still doing their mocks. I, 6 months fresh out of secondary school took a chance and applied for the Access Course.

I got it(how i don’t know) but i got it and straight away was met with “Yeah learn everything there is to know about college, how to write academically, how to reference, how to do this, how to do that and oh yeah, catch up with a whole semester of students and write, plan, get in touch and conduct a handful of interviews” And not once did i moan or complain(well i kinda am now) about how difficult it was or how i didn’t have time of the knowledge, bitch save me the song, cause i’m conducting this choir.

Listening how this deadline,and that deadline was unfair,how do we this, we weren’t taught that. I know,i know, i know, i sound like a asshole, cause i bloody hell felt/feel it. But this ain’t junior infants, this is college, it’s supposed to challenge you, i certainly felt challenged catching up on notes and lectures i’d wasn’t there for and learning,practicing and producing my radio assignment all on a 7 day free adobe trial on my slow ass laptop, shit was hard. But i got through it, so to hear that they didn’t have to go out and interview people, that all the audio was handed to them,they were given a all access and unlimited free trial for adobe, i was like, HOW ON EARTH DO YOU NEED A COUPLE MORE WEEKS?!,it’s essentially given to you, your just putting the right shapes in the right hole like it’s fucking Junior Infants. Like c’mon. God if i felt like and asshole before i certainly feel like a gowl now. I think i’m one of the few if not only person that like Audrey,her teachings and advise fucking saved me during the access course, she got me(a fucking moron) to pass in flying colours, if i may say so myself. So i’m eternally grateful to her, if it wasn’t for her, this blog wouldn’t exist, and isn’t that the biggest crime of all.

(That was a pretty long “one thing” huh)

II- The People

Without doubt the best thing about the year has been the people, i don’t know how to efficiently structure this part so i’ll try a list and see how it goes

Every Lectuer,Tutor or anyone that that taught me something-I haven’t got a bad thing to say about any of you.

Two i particular, David Coughlan,man i enjoyed every second of his lectures, he’s up there with my favorite ever teachers, he’s reached the top tier.

The other person in particular is Kathryn “Bring it Home ” Hayes, i think i told Mark this and there’s no way she remembers but Kathryn is the sole reason i chose to do Journalism. Her talk at a UL open day and a visit she paid to Munchins left me amazed,like my god this sounds great, i want to do what this person does. So when at the start of September i met her again i was in my head like(omfg it’s her, i’ve made it).

The Class(In no particular order) to keep this short i’ll only give a brief summary.

Caleb Brennan- A good friend,i hope he doesn’t take my jokes personally cause i really look up to the dude(even though he’s 5’8,i’m sorry caleb)

Xan-I’ll keep this short(like him). I’m positive no one’s made me smile as much in the last 365 days as he has, what a gift he’s been to me.

Ellen Gough – God she’s cool, kinda misjudged her at the start but now i have a ton of respect for her.

Mark- Wow where to start, i could say a lot of things, but the man is a good and true friend,a one of a kind.

James R.M.- I don’t think someone’s unintentionally pushed me to be better than James has, man is almost perfect.

Sadhbh Pierce- I don’t think i could’ve got this far without sadhbh, my days would’ve been too dull without her back in my life being a rock for me

Ben- I felt horrible how badly i misjudged him, something i drunkily showed to him over a few pints in stables, want to get to know him more,Grade A man.

Erin-Again i feel bad about misjudging her, girls got a heart of gold.If i answer anymore questions she asks, i’m gonna have to start charging her .

To: Ellen, Aishlin, Siadhbh, Odhran, James.H, Joe, Riona, Jodie, Aislinn, Niamh, Alison, Aoife and Ciara. -I feel sad i don’t know you any better after 1st year, i’d sure like to( i get the feeling, for some it’s because you don’t like/ can’t stand me) but there’s nothing i can do about changing that til September, i hope ye’r all doing fine.

III-ME

I don’t really like talking about myself all that much,like really personal shit. But here goes,i’ve felt for a long time through this year that i wasn’t good enough, i know, i worked hard,i’ve done this on my own,never got no grinds or extra help or any of that shit, i’ve got here off the back of the teachers i’ve had and my ability.

But so many times through both semesters i got struck often with, “wow, i can’t do this” or “_____ and______ and____ are way better,like what’s the point of even trying,” sometimes i was having days of going to class,hanging out with people and i’d be thinking,”like do i even mean anything to these people”, some actions,one in particular really solidified this in my head like,am i just surrounded by people that act friendly but’ll just leave me the second we’re done.

So i found so much comfort in people like Xan,sadhbh and Mark in particular, like i’m sure as shit, that they ain’t lying. Like i’m a very paranoid/anxious person so hearing some of the stuff those 3 have said to me over the past year has really allowed me to breath. I don’t know why i’m like this,why do i think like this like “yeah,but they don’t really like me”, maybe it’s because i’m a shitty person, god knows i know that. It’s all very confusing. I just want clarity.

One final thing, something that has loomed over me this whole year, well not the whole year, the 10th of September 2019, to be exact.

Now this is something I’ve only told to My parents and Mark.

So…. yeah,here we are

IV-Antoinette Massey

Fucking hell, where to start. Actually,let’s start off with her Hoodie. Her hoodie is so distinct in my mind even tough, it isn’t a rare type. A dark purple hood, with black lacing and a white and fluffy inside to keep her warm from the cold,anything could happen in any day, but i could always rely on Antoinette coming to class in that Purple Hoodie. She’s dead now.

It’s funny y’know. For god near every day since she died on the 10th of september, i’ve thought about her nearly everyday and gone over every time i talked to her,all the bus rides into town we got together,fucking damn near everything i can remember about her, almost everyday.

I told mark all this just before UL closed due to covid, he talked about this talk in his blog here, i’m the friend that needed to get something of his chest, that talk damn near broke me. The first time i opened my mouth about Antoinette in months. But let’s go back to the start.

September 10th,2019 started like any normal day, until of course, someone in the access course group chat posts a screenshot of Antoinette’s mother’s facebook page, she posted about how Antoinette hadn’t come home and asked if anybody knew where she was to contact her, immediately i denied it, no,no,no, it’s okay,she’s fine,it’s okay,

Then her close friends are posting R.I.P memorials on their facebook pages and now i’m starting to get worried until about 5 in the afternoon when the Limerick post or leader i can’t remember which confirms they’ve recovered the body of 20 year old woman who took her life.

And of all the reactions i could’ve predicted having, upon losing a good friend for the first time in my life, i did something i didn’t predict, i felt nothing. And i felt bad that i felt nothing, here was her family,her friends, all us taken this news and felt nothing,i hated myself.

I went into the college the next day probably got something to eat with caleb,xan and sadhbh all the while thinking “what the fucks wrong with me,” i should feel so sad that i should not able to go in and here i am making the same jokes in the library cafe like it’s nothing. I was lost for a couple days, then out of nowhere it hit me all at once,i don’t think i’ve cried as much in my life as i did for those next few days, packets of tissues being opened and thrown away the same day, it was horrible, but that wasn’t the worst of it.

I made my way to Antoinette’s wake, i wasn’t expecting laughs but i felt what my dad must’ve felt when he visited Auschwitz. It was…it was soul crushing, seeing her younger sisters(who are younger than my younger sister) bawling their eyes out. I was so sad i couldn’t even cry,i was so shocked at how sad it was.

I entered cross funeral homes, signed the register and then i saw her,face pointed to me, her family in the room with her, i shook everyone’s hand, i felt bad, on the account that no one knew who i was, i was a stranger interrupting one of the hardest moments in their lives and i’m tearing up as i make my way across the room, making sure i show everyone the respect they deserve, i took one last look at Antoinette and i left,i stayed outside the funeral home for a couple hours,out of respect mainly but also to see who from the access course didn’t show, most did but for the ones that didn’t they’re dead to me now.

A couple days later i went to her funeral mass, i remember i had a early class that day so, i went to college sat took the class, then booked it, got a lift went to the funeral.

I don’t know how it compares because it was the first funeral i’d gone to but that church was packed,i mean packed,there wasn’t any space to sit down so i stood at the back,i was the only one from the course to go the funeral but i wrote all those who went to the wake into the register.

I left early, got a lift into town,hopped on the bus and made just on time to my English lecture, all without xan,sadhbh or caleb knowing,well ye’ll know now if you read this.

Since then like i said i’ve thought about her nearly everyday, the bus to UL goes passed Oliver Cemetery on it’s way into and from town, so i thought about at her least twice every day each semester.

Thoughts consisting of my memories of her, like how on the first day of the access course,we were the first people we met, in the main building front entrance and how we both confessed how scared shitless we were.

Thoughts about her purple hoodie,whats worse is that because it’s a common hoodie there’s been times ive walked passed someone or someones got on the bus and for a split second i think it’s Antoinette, it’s fucking horrible.

Other thoughts are how one day i’ll visit her grave, i don’t know where in the cemetery she’s buried but one day i’ll go and find it.

Other thoughts and here’s where we get dark

Like what were her final thoughts,what was she thinking about? Her mother ,her sisters,her ex that broke up with her before summer,those and so many more questions i asked myself that i’ll never get an answer to and i know it,but i still ask myself.

Another thing was that i remember her one day talking about her mental health problems and how the class and me especially just brushed it off,like “yeah you’ll be fine love.”

I swear if at the end of my life, when i’m 75 or something, if i was asked if you could change one thinga bout your life(like it’s “To the Moon”), i wouldn’t tell my childhood crush Rachel ____ how much i loved her,or go back and talk to my parents, i’d fucking tell Antoinette that she wasn’t alone, that i could help her,that i’d be there for her if she needed me(Fuck, i almost crying). I was ignorant and blind and if i fucking done something, Antoinette,some poor woman’s daughter, someone’s love of their life,my fucking friend would still be on this earth and not 6 feet under.

Also, i wonder every time i get told that i’m helpful or i someone thanks me for helping them out with something, i wonder “Am i doing this because i want to or is that i feel deep down, that i’m guilty that i wasn’t to Antoinette.” So now i help any chance i get. To make up for it i suppose.

These questions will ruin me.

Like why her, out of all people why her. She was so smart and witty, far more than i could ever be, she was brave and fearless. A beautiful woman whose words could make you feel so warm inside but could also cut you in half with them if you fucked with her. Like why her, she had her whole life ahead of her and now it’s done,like why not me,it’s selfish to say but why not, why her over me or anyone else, she didn’t deserve this.

That last time i met her was a few days before she passed,i caught up with a few of the lads from the access course on our first day back and there she was with Lauren(i believe), she seemed no different, the same Antoinette,the same as she always was.

Remember when this was about college, me too.

That’s all i really have to say, i’m pretty sure i’m forgetting something about her.

I don’t know if i’ll continue with this blog, i might do but we’ll have to wait and see.

God, Antoinette, if i could see you again, i’d just say, that i’m sorry.

The year has come to pass,the innocent can never last,wake me up when semester ends.

Rest in peace Antoinette Massey, you’ll forever be in my heart and always on my mind.

Mind Yourself and never be scared to be speak up about how your feeling.

Seán

Gosh, another week down. What a week it’s been,given it was rag week (oh i’m sorry, “Charity Week”) it really brought out the best and worst Uni has to offer, the best being the people and the worst,well……it’s also the people. Hey i guess i might not be making that much sence but at least it’s not as pessimistic as last weeks opening. So again, with me leading you through lets discuss my experience of week 6. I’m kinda of a leading source in the knowledge of my own life, so who better to tell you, no one, that’s who.

So lets get started,shall we?

Monday/2nd

Rag W…I mean Charity week started off in full swing no class til 2 in the afternoon, so i had time to relax, or i would’ve had time to relax if i wasn’t waiting around campus to meet up with someone who needed help with Tuesdays InDesign Assesment. A long (hour and a half) story short as soon as he finally arrived i had to leave go to class, quality, somebody up there is laughing at me i just know it, loving the week already.

Tuesday/3rd

The InDesign test, what a morning. I won’t get in to all of it but i had a great time,kinda shit myself when i found out just 5 minutes before the assessment, that it was worth half of the module, so that was fun. I think i did a pretty good job though, I finished an hour before the end and the remaining hour was great. A nice 50% weight assessment off all of our shoulders.

Wednesday/4th

Wednesday was pretty average,i was actually made speechless(which for me is quite special) when somebody i’d was introduced to a couple of weeks ago after Technical writing told me that we’d actually met almost a year and a half ago and i completely forgot about them, small world i tell ya, it really is.

Thursday/5th

Another Thursday, another Technical Writing Tutorial and guess what another round of presentations where i’m picked first, who would’ve thought….well me that’s who. I know i’m complaining but i really don’t mind that much, it means i have extra incentive to be prepared every week and we’re studying to be journalists for christ sake, if i was nervous to present my work to a dozen people that what use would i be then.

Another Thursday, another Radio Show. This one was really good, i developed a great package that we used for the last hour of the show and i went swimmingly.

Give it a listen

Friday/6th

Because it’s Charity W… y’know what sod it, Because it’s Rag week, I’ve no classes for today, so i’m using it to finish my English assignment and write this blog that you are reading right now, at this very moment, yes you.

As you can tell i’ve run out of things to say quite quickly so i’m not going waste your time so i hope to have you back here next week,but if not then thanks for reading this far.

Mind Yourself

Seán

So here we are again(little later this week but still), another week gone and another week closer to death. Wow! what’s gotten into me. Sorry for starting with some existentialism there, must be the void darkness of this background. This has started strange this week hasn’t it.So for your sake and my sanity lets get started.

Monday/24th

Monday was a quite one,bit by the numbers. The Html tutorial was interesting, certainly something now in which i have in my locker. Who the hell needs Squarespace when you’ve got a microsoft notepad,some code and some half-baked ideas. English was again underwhelming,certainly better than the last one but still not as great as last semester. Oh f*%k that reminds me, i forgot so say last week, that i ran into David Coughlan last week on my way to UL and i nearly jumped out of my seat i was so shocked, the man could get me invested in the process of white paint drying on a off-white wall.

Getting a new tutor is always a worry because its a risk,a bad tutor(or lecturer) can make me at least feel disconnected with the subject but thank christ that Ms Iva Yeats turned out to be great,she could be hard as nails correcting my work but for now, i’ll walk into every english tutorial with a smile.

(Christ this is getting long again,i’ll try to be more snappy for here on out)

Tuesday/25th

Tuesday was really long but really great.(not like that,this is a PG-13 blog and i intend to keep it that way) Indesign was fun,had a killer partnership with Erin and gave a helping hand to Xan(Happy birthday btw) and Mark,who needs to stop putting himself down every 2 minutes. Went along to my first Sociology tutorial and my 3rd lecture,a nice couple of hours of a module i’m not taking.

Wednesday/26th

Pretty insightful and interesting lecture on ethics and “netiquette” in the afternoon, followed by a seminar at 4 with the press ombudsman Peter Feeney, good speaker and a nice hour and a half.

Thursday/27th

To be honest i had nothing planned for my presentation on Ethics & Technology until about 9PM the night before, a couple nervous and hastily made google searches later and i had my case. And because what i’d found offered no hard evidence, i tied it together with something i’d come across ages back about unconscious racial Profiling by businesses.

Give’em both a read: A and B

Friday/28th

Friday was a cross between a another improvement in the standards in English and me having to deal with a engineering class around me talk to each other as if their tongues were nails and their teeth the chalkboard, so with that around me i finished writing and editing my history assignment.What a way to end the week i tell ya.

And what a way to end this blog as well, that’s it for another week. I’ll be here next week but will you be?(Probably not, this gets 3 views a week and one of them is me). Until next time i guess.

So, another week down,what to discuss. I think that the most logical or most coherent way (well for me anyway) is to take this weekly blog day by day. So let’s get on with it, shall we.

Monday/17th

Monday started breezy, too breezy for that matter, thanks a lot Ciara. The week began with a English lecture about the history about 15th/16th century theatre productions, fair to say not the most exciting hour I’ve ever witnessed. Work for the week was a reading of Shakespeare’s twelfth night. My reading of which was a back and forth between reading it seriously and writing down notes that might by of note to then reading it in my most exaggerated limerick ascent i could whip up, so i didn’t get too bored and put it down. I don’t think Billy Spears ever intended Olivia to sound like she came from the island field but what’s he going to do, haunt me.

My History module is a funny one, i love the work that i’m doing, it’s picked up right where we left off and i have nothing bad to say about the module at this moment. The funny thing is, is that my tutor for this semester, Dr Angelika Hansert, looks like she could be my mother’s long lost identical twin. So it’s a uphill battle in every history tutorial, whenever i get asked a question for me not to go, “yes mom”. Other than that potential embarrassing disaster on the cards, history is flying.

Tuesday/18th

This day was a lot more quiet, quiet in the fact that it was essentially a day off, my only lecture was cancelled so i didn’t need to come in, in order to do something academically productive i continued with twelfth night and started re-drafting a article i’d written that may or may not be going to print next week. Pretty uneventful day. Onto the next.

Wednesday/19th

I like Wednesday because for most weeks it’s the only day that i start in the afternoon (On account of the fact that i don’t need to do radio this semester). So i can get more than my average 6 hours of sleep. It was enjoyable watching everyone lose a marble the night before they had to give a presentation in contrast to them afterwards feeling like they’d all smashed it. It was reminiscent/nostalgic with my time in the access course and how we all embarked together, it made me miss spending time with those guys. I hope they’re all doing all right.

P.S. I miss you, Antoinette, everyday single day.

I Started Wednesday with my favourite module of all time, Technical writing, i’m joking. Imagine if i was that much of a kiss arse. I do genuinely find the module interesting though. Learning more about the back end of writing and how online media is constructed and all that jazz,get it because it’s the music (that is course you never pressed play, so now all this looks ridiculous). Moving on

Because i’m missing out on radio I’ve decided to sit in on sociology lectures, from what I’ve heard about it, it sounded right up my street so i’m semi taking it, all the knowledge without any of the assignments, how bad.

Thursday/20th

• 

Friday/21st

Christ what a dull day, i love English and i don’t think for one second that Dr Carrie Griffin doesn’t know what she’s talking about because it’s clear she has knowledge about coming out of her ears but i wished she was able to present them in an entertaining way because i found that drawings etched into the desks in the Swift to be more entertaining and the two bus rides to UL to be more insightful.

Final Thought

So that was week four, i would add some knda of conclusion to the week but you and i know this post has been way too long,so i’ll conclude this week, next week. So that’s it.

Mind your self.

I don’t really have any clear point that i want to address in this blog, i don’t have a focal talking point in which to build this blog around. So what i plan to do for this draft and each recurring blog basically use it a s a facet to keep not only you the reader but myself updated on what was going on over these next few months. Some blog posts, i imagine will be more critical than others, some will be more laid back and pleasurable and some, no doubt will be like this,where i haven’t got a f*%king clue what to say. But since i have been tasked to write about my experiences in UL, then so be it.

Let’s play catch up for the first two and a half weeks,shall we.

First off,i can’t stress enough how glad i am to be back,the winter break(for me) was two weeks two long, where i got to the stage were i was transitioning away from my daily routine in UL and getting accustomed to the daily ups and downs and the daily joys and frustrations to a routine more laize-fair for my liking. But i’, back now, so i don’t have to worry about that. My biggest worry now is that i’m waiting for it to kick in. What i mean by that is for the first 2 weeks things have been relatively calm and i haven’t had to do as much work, i nearly lost a marble trying in-design for the first time but i digress. I think me being exempt from radio this semester( on account of my time in the access course) has freed up some time that in wasn’t expecting. but thats it really no big developments,it’s nice to see everyone again and i can’t wait til my next blog, actually no i very much can but anyway, this has been my first Small step into a whole new world and i hope my journey lasts not only the next 12 weeks, not only the next 3 and a half years but many more after that.

See ya.