Author: Sean Finnan

Hello……..Helloooooo………is this thing on? Can anyone hear me? Oh just no one as usual. It’s been i’d say a month and a half since my last blog and i can barely remember what i said in that. It is kinda cozy seeing all this again. I wrote about 2 or 3 posts since my last published post, but i scraped all of them, a couple were spur of the moment and my desire to write it fizzled out fast. And hey this blog got a B2,a B FOOKIN 2. On the one hand, how? how this bunch of shit appease to anyone,i myself am amazed i still have followers. But on the other hand it’s like compared to the other blogs…..idk man…..but who the fuck cares, i know you don’t so let’s get on with it.

Sooooo, the idea, the meaning, the focus of this blog came from the recent controversy revolving the Dublin Hip-Hop group Versatile and an another artist by the name of Erica Cody. This drama has passed but i’d like to dissect it a little for my own amusement.

To preface, i’m taking no sides here, not getting involved in any witch hunt cause fuck all that. I’m not going to say here whose right, whose wrong, whose justified and whose “canceled/deplatformed” cause who the fuck am i to tell you that. All i can tell is my thoughts.

I evoke the famous Streisand effect in the title because in all honestly i’ve thought and listened to Versatile more in the last 2 days than i have me whole life. They’ve been around for a handful of years, and i first heard of them when “Perfume” was in my YouTube suggestions. Song was pretty good,caught me off guard at first that it was Irish but that was about it. A year or so goes by i hear their name a couple of times but never gave it a second thought, until my sister informs me that “You here that people are cancelling Versatile?” Needless to say me interest was very much pricked. So i researched and here’s what i gathered.

Versatile member Casper Walsh and Erica Cody have been beefing with each other for a while now, where that started, no idea, again i’m not here to tell you whats right, just my thoughts. My guess that it’s either a long lasting beef that comes from way back,growing up in similar circles, so they have a lot of history, or it stemmed from Erica calling Casper and Versatile itself as being racists,misogynist etc etc.

From what i’ve gathered, i feel the witch hunt and portrayal of these guys as racist,misogynist,homophobic etc etc etc, is wrongly placed. Most of stems from there music and not from their actions(i assume) which in my book is perfectly fine. An non-racist person my commit a racist act or think a racist thought but that does not make them inherently racist.

In all honesty alot of the lyrics that get held to prove how horrible they are, are pretty fuckin timid compared to contemporary artists and older artists. It wasn’t so long ago that Tyler,the creator, raps new golden boy was coming out with lyrics such as “Rape a pregnant bitch and tell my friends i have a threesome”, the golden boy was banned from the UK and Australia because his lyrics were deemed as “Threat to public order”. I would’ve loved to see what twitter morons would’ve been saying when the likes of 2 Live Crew,Too $hort and others were coming out with extremely raunchy material, just to see who would’ve thrown the “Cancelled” call first. Like bro 2 Live Crew went to fucking court to defend the lyrics of their songs. N.W.A were arrested for playing certain songs.

On the racist side of their music they’ve been better than most artist accused of this, with public apologies, written statement of intent and the complete removal of songs that they now see as having inherently flawed aspects. You could say “but they could’ve been pushed to do this” and that’s entirely possible but as seen with the other examples it is sometimes best to lean into the situation hard and be totally resolute and change nothing. They have attempted to change. Not totally washing them clean but it should be commended because most public figures see their errors and promise to change this quickly.

To get to the incident that sparked this cancellation parade, here’s what went down. Erica Cody is in her car about to leave when Casper in his car pulls up,phone in hand already filming talking to her. Lasts like 10 seconds,they pull off and she leaves. She makes a insta video describing it and with the info the Casper released later including the cctv footage and the video that his mate was filming in the car from my perspective, how i see it as is this. These two individuals have a toxic history with one another, one happens out of luck to run into the other in public and puts the other one under pressure by catching them off-guard. From here i’d say they’re both wrong, they were willing to throw abuse at each other and it’s spilled into a pretty minor alteration. They’re both adults, they should both cop onto themselves.

What i find irritable to a sense is that in Erica’s side of this minor alteration,she plays the race card a lot,again i don’t know all the facts maybe Casper has used her race in the past but who knows, i’m saying that she could be totally in the right and Casper be totally in the wrong but from what was shown there wasn’t one iota of evidence is shown in this alteration that proves that this wasn’t just a alteration between a white man and a mixed-race woman, that it was an alteration between a white man and a mixed-race women because she’s mixed-race.So because there’s reasonable doubt, Versatile in my opinion are innocent.

The race card gets thrown a lot in her 6-7 minute video. Plus some gate keeping, that Versatile “aren’t Irish rap” that they’re “guests in the culture” and all of this sorta of hip-hop purism elitism that is shoved down any artists throat that doesn’t do what the core collective want. Music and art is about expression and just because an artist wants to differ in the method or whatever,doesn’t take away from their credibility as an artist. I’m sick to the teeth of this kind of gate keeping. If hip-hop purists had had their way from the start, then rap would still just be dudes dancing during song breakdowns in new york apartments. Music must evolve, and you don’t evolve by making sure everyone who tries to do something different is silenced and not aloud express themselves because they’re “guests in the culture” like bro don’t you realize that a trade off that rap had to make to become the dominant genre of our time, was that everyone, from all walks of life is and are going to alter the sound and make it into something that it wasn’t intended to be. Cause guess what, dance tracks and singles weren’t supposed to be 8,10,20 minutes long, but because some DJ with a weak bladder had to piss during one song,now the extended mix of any dance track is common place. What am i getting at,this,the so called “real Irish rappers” shouldn’t have any greater say on where Irish hip-hop goes than so called “guests.”

---

Christ that was a big fuck off kinda rant, but again i’m not saying either is right, i understand why both might see themselves as right because by the looks of it their relationship is as clear as mud.

What was hilarious was reading all these dumb motherfuckers on twitter thinking they’re owning versatile, by going “oh well i’m not listening to them on spotify anymore”, wow i guess those 0.0006 cents they got of each songs you played is really going to hurt them financially,the internet has just done a collective slam dunk on them and that they’re finished. I guess they’ll be as effective any online cancellation has had.

It’s times like this where i see left people acting so incredibly dumb and moronic and think, wow Trey Parker was right, when he said that “the people screaming on this side and the people screaming on that side, are [essentially] the same people and it’s okay being somewhat in the middle laughing at both of them.”

Cancel culture is moronic and serves no real long lasting purpose,people whether they like to admit are dumb and incredibly flawed,you, the person reading this are dumb and incredibly flawed, i’m dumb and incredibly flawed.

We’re basically fucked

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Here’s what i’ve watched in the last 6 weeks:

• Murder on the Orient Express(2017) – Good but a ton of wasted potential – 3/5
• Do the right thing(1989) – Tackles issues so intelligently and is incredibly poignant – 4.5/5
• Malcolm X (1992) Damn this was emotional, think i used every emotion through this 3 hour epic – 4/5
• Being John Malkovich(1999) – I don’t like what this film did to my head – 4/5
• Brexit: The Uncivil War(2019) – Happy Memories – 3.5/5
• Rope(1948) – James Stewart is a god – 4.5/5
• 8:46(2020) – Dave Chappelle is such a comedic genius he dosne’t even tell jokes anymore,he just talks real shit and make people feel good about themselves,a treasure. – 5/5
• Intersellar(2014) – Re-watched for my boy James R.M.’s birthday, still don’t think it’s as good as he says it is. – 3.5/5
• Amy(2015) – One word “Heartbreaking” – 4/5
• Citizen Kane(1941) – Not a controversial review at all, This is a fucking good movie,the Citizen Kane of films…..oh wait,,,,,-4.5/5

Mind Yourself til next time

Seán

Been over two weeks since my last post,which i believe is the longest span of time between posts, since the blog began that is. My last few posts i recall being…..quite dramatic,yeah,dramatic. Somethings about self loathing, attractions(old and new) and other shit that you can read yourself if you’re that interested,because i’m not the type to repeat myself repeat myself. Ahhhhhh it’s good to be back.

Been so long since the last post, plus the fact that time now is a mere illusion in quarantine, that i can’t remember what happened on what week. So none of what i’m about to say happened in any particular order, they’re just what i can remember.

I watched this stream with this psychiatrist essentially talk and help this girl understand her problems with a whole host of things. It’s about 2 hours but i found it really interesting, link-https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m8nScdhRXfs&t. It made me reflect on myself, for what i grateful for,the role i play in some peoples lives, and most importantly why i act in certain ways and why i try to help people.(Y’know cause i’m so helpful,god i sound like such a muppet).

Another thing that’s starting happening the past couple weeks is our results are slowly coming out. History came out first, did really well,just relieved that the months of research i did for it actually paid off. English came back yesterday(or the day before, can’t remember) at first i was underwhelmed, i hadn’t improved since last semester but it seems everyone’s mark had be super tough,resulting in a lot of disappointment about their grades taking a step back. It made me grateful that i didn’t walk away with a worse marking.

In order to plug the ever gaping holes of bordem that quarantine has cooked up, i decided to do something that i thought i would never do(now hold your horses its not anything major,it’s me i’m talking about here) i joined a couple dating apps. I needed to get a certain someone’s pants bulge out of my head for a while so i decided to give it both barrels,Bumble & Tinder(Thx Caleb for the glowing bumble endorsement).

As expressed in previous posts, i’m very harsh on myself so it’s been somewhat uplifting seeing some of the stunning women that i’ve been matched with. The only problem is, i’ve got terrible game,through the phone that is. In person, i’m as good as anybody at reading people and can think on my feet quick enough,through messages is a whole different story. That’s my i find bumble refreshing,putting it on the women to start talking. There’s been one girl who I’ve really clicked with. We both have this very straight faced sarcasm that’s really been a joy going back an forth with her with. Is it going to lead to anything serious, who knows,if i was pushed to say, i’d say no. I don’t why i’d say no, i hope it does but i’m not gonna push my luck so early.

What i watched the past 2 weeks

• The Last Dance(2020) – Phenomenal piece of work, it’s got its problems but man this was a joy to watch – 5/5
• Moonlight(2016) – I went in wanting to love it but unfortunetly i was somewhat underweled,it’s good but i just wanted more – 3.5/5
• Some Like it Hot(1959) – Watched with my mother, she rarely ever laughs, so seeing her gigling her way through this was heartwarming – 5/5
• Vertigo(1958) – I fully respect and agree that this is a classic but god damn Hitchcock has a problem in some of his films in failing to deliver the final payoff,this film is a prime example – 4.5/5
• Dunkirk(2017) – A very well made war film,with a great cast,both new and old. If i ever need to be bone shakingly anxious for 2 hours, i know what film to watch 4.5/5
• Fahrenheit 11/9(2018) – It’s trademark Michael Moore, a comedic mirror that reflects just how sickening humanity( Mostly Americans) can be – 5/5
• Night is short,Walk on girl(2017) – Re watched because i had such a great time,last time.This time though,was even better. It might just be the cabin fever getting to me but i seriously think I’ve found a new favorite film.I’m in love with this film – 5/5
• She’s Gotta Have It(1986) – What a debut from Spike Lee. Mars Blackmon is such a wonderful character. Oh and that Wizard of Oz transition, a thing of beauty 4.5/5
• LA 92(2017) – With everything that’s going on right now,i don’t think there’s a better time to watch this. So much in this is as powerful and revelvent as today. It’s a nightmare,an American Nightmare – 5/5

Been good getting back to this,a nice recolection of a 2 week period that simultaneously feels like 2 days and 2 months. Also was anyone else sick and tired of people saying it was bank holiday monday,like who gives a fuck,it’s not like it going to make any difference.

Stay sound, stay informed, stay classy.

Mind Yourself

Seán

Now, i don’t what this to be misconstued into anything greater than it actualy is,nothing has changed as of yet and the way to world is right now, i doubt there’ll be any change for the forseable future. So to kick off what i’m about to discuss,i guess i’ll start it with what sounds like a broken record at this point……”I told mark.”

I told mark on the very last day of the normal world,March 12th,the day we,the nation went into lockdown. I knew that this was likley the last time i’d see him in person for a while so i decided to walk with him on his way home,we talked about our future and pondered what the next few months would be like.

And while we were walking i decided to bring up a question he asked me and caleb not 3 hours earlier, that of “Is there anyone we fancy at the moment and if so who?”

Now this wasn’t an odd question for him to ask me,throughout both semesters we’d disclosed stories to each other about our relations,our stories mostly ended with unsuccessful outcomes,that “she just wasn’t interested…..she have a boyfriend…..etc etc” but just like jokes it doesn’t matter if 9 out of 10 times it falls flat,the 1 out of ten makes it all worth it. I can’t speak for mark but damn college girls have been good to me

So when mark asked me the question “Is there anyone we fancy at the moment and if so who?” i didn’t respond,even though there was and he knows who this person is. I didn’t speak up because (and i hate to say this because he’s such a good friend) i didn’t feel comfortable saying it in front of caleb. So when we were alone i told him, what i’m about to tell you.

That for the the last 3 months I’ve started to question whether i’m as straight as i thought i was.

Now i’m getting into some risky territory here,so i wont be disclosing any information about who i’m attracted to because i’m still working it out and i don’t what them involved in a matter they more than likley haven’t a clue about. I’m sure for anyone whether that be an L,a G,a B,a T or even my fellow Q’s, every one of them has gone through what i’m feeling right now,that a unbreakable truth that has been set in stone for so many years, has just now witnessed a crack.

And for the first 20 years of my life it was an uncontested,immovable fact. My first crush was of the opposite sex,my first kiss, first arousal, first relationship, first “I Love You”,first sexual experience,first time i had sex, they were all with the opposite sex.

I remember when i was 15 i mocked this boy behind his back at my school because he’s just come out as gay. For a short space and time,we were close and here he was,out of the closet. I couldn’t believe it,”He can’t be gay,because i know him,i’m just like him” well i guess after all these years,i guess i just might be. With each passing thought and question i feel worse and worse for not being there for him in a tough time.

Now if this Q phase progresses into anything further then this, my bet would be i’d be trading in my Q for a B.

And all of this Q business is because of one dude, i’ve known hundreds of guys, wasn’t attracted to any of them,not one,some are some handsome motherfuckers but i just don’t feel it. When i think of certain women in my life, my BHD levels rise(B-rain.H-eart.D-ick), but never does it get triggered by a guy. And i remember late December,i’m laying in bed because i’d damaged my knee while dancing with a few friends from college as a semester send off. So i’m laying in bed and this guy i know pops into my head and i’m thinking about him and not long after i thought “Oh shit, i’m thinking and feeling things because of this dude,things I’ve never felt before” If i was 100% straight the day before, well now i was 99.999 now,like holy fuck,where did that 0.001% of homosexuality come from.

Yeah it’s been real the last few months, i’m in uncertain times right now persoanly. At least i know my friends will be more accepting of this Seán, than i was to my friend Seán(from school)

Yeah,talk to ye all later

Mind Yourself

Seán

To be honest, for a long time I’ve thought about documenting my life,i didn’t see that materializing in a blog but i used this project as a vehicle to pursue something that i wanted to do, there’s the odd text document on my laptop from last september-october, that are more or less the same thing as what this blog has turned out to be,a weekly slot where i reflect on each week and weigh up what i should focus more on and what I’ve gained and felt over the past 168 hours.

I bring this up because one thing I’ve noticed over the past couple days is that all the blogs i’m subscribed to have posted “Their final post” so to speak. A send off, a thanks,a good luck of some kind, it’s made me…….not sad but poignant(and that might not even be the right word), it’s not like i’m completely shut off from these people now they’ve ended their blog,most of the blogs i follow,i already know most of the events they bring up because they’ve brought up between messages. So i feel like something that i’ve looked forward to every week is now finished but i’m the last one posting. Not for any marks but for myself,for my own satisfaction. I guess this blog filled the hole that the therapy class from the access group created.

Those sessions with Judy Moloney were so mentally refreshing,where i and a few others were asked to reflect on ourselves and given the time and comfort to really open up. I’ve disclosed information about myself(information that i wouldn’t tell my closest friends,my siblings or my parents) but i told it to this complete stranger. Judy was absolutely wonderful. So in some ubsured way,this blog fills that space, but instead of Judy,it’s the endless void of the internet for anyone to stumble across.

I’m not 100% transparent,there are a few things that (because i know people personally who read this) i’m reluctant to disclose pieces of information or reveal some thoughts I’ve had over the week that are too personal, that if disclosed might unsettle some friendships.

One thing that happened today in fact,early this morning, which was me and my friend mark(reilly) were discussing his future prospects. I genuinely feel that Mark has the highest potential out of all of us. That it wouldn’t take that much practice and development to be the next big thing,in whatever he ends up pursuing. I see so much potential in him,that’s part of the reason i’m so eager to help him because i know he’s got a real chance,if i can help him and work with him for the next few years, hopefully he can make everyone see the ability that i see in him. We’ve got a lot of good eggs in our group,some talented gowls, a few i envisage having great careers but i genuinely feel mark has got the best shot,i just hope he realizes how naturally talented he actually is.

Since last week i’ve watched:

• Steamboat Willie(1928) – Good to see where our media overlords started 3/5
• Fifty Shades of Gray(2015) – This was so boring,here’s my review of it because i’m not going on a rant again 1/5 _{^{https://letterboxd.com/piss_wizard/film/fifty-shades-of-grey/}}
• Training Day(2001) – Damn,this was some good shit 4/5
• The Florida Project(2017) – Willem Defoe was so heartwarming and kind in this, that he changed his name to Willem Defriend 4.5/5
• Every Chappelle Netflix Special – Chappelle is untouchable, no living comedian comes close to him.
• Hip Hop Evolution – Finished Season 1 of this doc, it’s so well put together and researched. An entertaining history lesson 5/5

Oh ya and football is back,the quality of the games are terrible but it’s better than 2 months of nothing.

I’m the last blog standing, whether that’s a good thing or i’m just sad is entirety up to you.

Mind Yourself, ye absolute zealous turkeys.

Seán

A Musophobist is person who mistrusts poetry,do i consider myself one? To an extent, i find with most poetry that the reward ain’t worth the work. There’s poems i think of from time to time but most of the time i’m indifferent,which is fine,from poets everywhere i presume the feeling is mutual. It’s gotten tougher the past year with my acquaintance and later friendship with Caleb Brennan(local poet extraordinaire), because i respect him a great deal,as I’ve said before i look up to him but i’m dissapointted that i find no interest in his favorite interest.

Since last week,and my Q&A post(which i must explain,every question was taken from numerous online Q&A’s) the passage time in the last 7 days has been a passing observer,that is to say my observation of it’s passing has been minimal,the days are just starting to blend into one another. Things that happened two weeks ago feel like they happened yesterday and things from yesterday feel like they happened two weeks ago. My internal clock is bent out of shape,but a broken clock is still……..you get the point.

Not much has happened the last few days,except of course i was reminded of the finest person every to walk this earth.(Massive Simp vibes inbound) A couple of days ago online, i caught a glimpse of Rachel,yknow my childhood crush i mentioned a few posts back. Even after all i’ve been through, my ignorance,wonder and simple mind of my childhood, my cynicism and vindictiveness of my adolescence and my half-baked maturity of the last couple years. There’s been one mainstay, that there isn’t a more beautiful woman on this earth than Rachel. I loved her from the moment a child could fathom such a emotion. A love that throughout my years has been a rock at my core and at the same time a continual stumbling block for my despair.

So much so that i couldn’t take the self loathing i was putting myself through anymore that i made a uncharacteristically brave move and confessed my confession to her.

To this day!, i can still picture her face changing from blissful ignorance to what i was about to say, to her face going scarlet with joyful tears in her eyes.To this day i don’t think i ever said anything as romantic that what i said to Rachel then(and I’ve had a girlfriend since then), i won’t elaborate what happened after i finished my little speech but i’ll just say that in the darkest of dark times, i break out that memory to provide the ultimate pick me up.

My affection towards her has gotten to the stage where i feel it’s best for me to distance myself from her, that it’s better for her to live her life without me because i’d just disappoint her and i don’t want to tarnish the friendship that we have.

We’d spoken off on for a few years but come mid-October last year while exiting a history lecture in the concert hall,there she was,waiting outside one of the halls. We chatted, got coffee and discussed how we both were. Which brings us to now,a quick glimpse of a facebook post brought all the emotions back. I feel uneasily comfortable closing the Rachel chapter of my life. A chapter that has been nothing but positive,which is a rarity. I’ve got other chapters that i want to finish and some i hope are just beginning(how fucking corny is that jesus christ).

In other news, i’m so desperate for football to return that i woke up early to watch the South Korean league,during the week. It wasn’t a great game but it’s been the first live game i’ve watched in over 2 months so i was also fucking fantastic.

Since my last blog i’ve watched:

• Uncut Gems- A anxiety attack of a film, that has a pretty unbelievable Adam Sandler performance as the lead,it’s great 4.5/5
• La La Land-I love musicals,there’s not much better things in art than a great musical 5/5
• The Producers(’67) – Correction,a great comedy that contains a musical 5/5
• The Pursuit of Happyness- Why Will Smith?, why you gotta make me cry 4.5/5
• Space Jam- It’s Space Jam 4/5
• The Princess Diaries- Better than i expected 3/5
• Good Time- Damn Robert Pattinson has had a crazy career 4/5
• The Apartment- There isn’t a better cinematic couple than Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine 5/5
• Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?- It really floored me,just superb in every aspect 5/5
• The Last Dance- As someone who knows next to nothing about basketball this documentary has been such a ride. The production is off the fucking charts. Even if you don’t care about basketball i’d recommend this,it’s just so good(The last 2 episodes get released next Monday) 5/5

That’s it for this week you absolute shower of gowls

Mind Yourself

Seán

Good morning,afternoon,evening or night and welcome back to “Seán’s Bi-Weekly whinging corner,” All i got going is this blog and the two tumbleweeds i’m holding in my arms, which might lead you to think(you as in the zero amount of people reading this,so i’m really just talking to myself at this point) how come you’re typing this while holding tumbleweeds under each arm,oh the answer is simple, i’m simply taking a strategy out of the Drinking Typing Bird’s playbook and typing this whole thing with my nose. Sounds crazy right,well that’s because it is,i haven’t lost all my marbles yet,only a handful so far, so at now time i don’t think that me think so good.

Because semester’s done now, i’ve decided to bin daily round-up. I sort of lost track of that the last couple weeks so i guess it’s time to offcialy retire it. It will surly not be missed.

So what is there to discuss,i wouldn’t have made this post if i didn’t have a central point. The central point being,i have these spans of time that i like to refer to as the dark days. What these are,they’re spans of time,could be 10 minutes,an hour,half a day, whatever the length of it is,it’s a time where all my negativity,my doubts,past traumas,painful experiences, all of them hit me at once. I can handle a few each day, but every so often,something starts a chain reaction where i know the dark days are coming and i just have to wait it out.Put myself through hell so i can enjoy the light on the other side. The frequency of this i can estimate is about 2-3 times a year since 2014.

I’m saying all this because my last post was made in the middle of my most recent dark day. Some of the stuff i said was hyperbolic, for example i wouldn’t go to jail for what i think of but i still feel horrible for thinking them.

I feel the aim of where i was trying to going,in so far in hating myself can just be simplified to one fact about myself,(get ready for the most job interview answer,but it is true) i’m a destructive perfectionist. In so far that i strive and strive and will do anything and everything to make anything that i can do as best as it possibly can.

I spent 3 days designing this blog’s layout to be perfect to me,i spent weeks designing a website that i felt was as good as i can make it. But here’s the deal,i set these super duper fucking high levels and even if the end result falls an inch below it, i’m like “fuck it,useless pieces of shit” and the failure to reach that high mark turns the blame towards myself and i point the finger at my own faults. That website i spent weeks designing and writing for, i binned it,i tore it all down,deleted it and started from scratch. And by the end of my second website with dozens of pages of writing and finding pictures and editing and re-editing and trying to fit as much in, i stood back and looked at it and thought “this is garbage” but i had no time to start again so i submitted. I’m always getting blue balled by everything because i always need it to be that tiny bit better or go that tiny bit further than i can go and my limitations are frustrating because i know i can do better i just can’t find how. Like something’s been thrown into the gears in my mind and i just need to figure it out so it can start moving again like a Swiss/German watch (take your pick).

So yeah, my last blog post was a glimpse into the hellfire my mind can become once i’m in of my dark days. The last one before Friday was back in February. Two of my friends said and did the smallest of things, that if i brought it up to them they probably wouldn’t even remember, but they did and said what they did and said and what they did wasn’t even so bad but the chain reaction had been set off, i found the smallest most obscure room in UL i could find and i sobbed for about a half hour, i only stopped because i had to leave to start my radio show. I’m so thankful for James,Caleb and Mark, they rescued me for a dark day that day and they didn’t even know it.

I am truly sorry for letting the past few posts go off the rails,it’s been as dark as the background at times so i’m gonna change up the ending and hopefully you’ll feel better and won’t feel sad for me.

---

So i’m going to end this post with a get to know me Q&A, so here goes.

(All these questions were taken from a few websites)

Full Name – Seán Pierre Vincent Finnan

Date of birth/Star sign – August 11th 1999/Leo

Place of birth – St John’s Hospital,Limerick City,Ireland

Favorite Colour – Blue

Height – 5’10

Shoe Size – 10 1/2

Pets – A dog, a five year old “shollie”(Sheperd+border collie) named Marshall

Am i Named after anybody – Yes, i’m named Seán after Seán Lennon(John’s Son),Pierre comes from a family friend, and Vincent is my grandfather’s name on my fathers half

What would i change my name to – Frank

Have i ever met someone famous – Yes, Russel Crowe

Best Looking Celebrity – Shirley MacLaine (in ‘The Apartment’)

Can i whistle? – No

Can i Dance? – Yes

Am i a good dancer? – No

Last film i watched – The 1929 film ‘The Shelton Dance’

First Movie i cried to – ‘Up’

Favorite Song – I say a little prayer – Aretha Franklin

Favorite Film – Night is short,Walk on Girl

Favorite Book – The Catcher in the Rye

Favorite Alcoholic Drink – A cocktail called “Blackstar”

Favorite Pizza Topping – Peppers and Pineapple (Fight Me)

Worst Pizza Topping – Mushrooms(by far)

Did my parents go to college? No, they didn’t even finish secondary school

Colour of my bedroom carpet – Light brown-ish

Worst Song Lyric – Lil Yachty’s ” She blow that dick like a cello”

First Date age – As a joke 11, As a serious date 15

Love at first sight – I’ve been wrong twice but sure,why not

I promise not be sad next time as i was last time, i hope ye are all doing well and keeping a hold of your marbles better than i am.

Mind Yourself

Seán

Disclaimer/Edit- Most of these blogs are spur of the moment creations,so some are different depending on what mood i’m in, most are written when i’m in a good mood and some( including this one) were written when i was in a not so good mood. This post is incredibly hyperbolic, they were my thoughts in the present moment. Not my thoughts now or since.

Y’know the past couple weeks,things were looking up,actions were taken and words were said that really were a step forward, a fresh take,a much needed sigh of relief, that hey things aren’t so bad and i am really finishing a chapter of my life that i’m trying desperately to finish…..but nah,things aren’t simple, life isn’t simple and i can always….ALWAYS… rely on one person,one stupid fucking idiot, to always get in the way of making my life better. Who is this horrible,this cruel, this self-centered fuckwit that always is on the lookout to make 100% sure that every good thing that I, Seán Finnan stumble upon is ruined,broken and damaged beyond repair. Well it’s me of course.

Now i could draw up a list of all the people that dislike me,hate me,want nothing to do with me,some of whom i’m sure think i’m one of the worst person they’ve ever met in their lives. But i don’t really give a fuck about those people because the not only is feeling,very much mutual but i’m able to brush off all of these people that hate me because i know, deep the way fuck down inside, that nobody is E-V-E-R going to hate me as much as i hate myself. My hatred toward myself is untouchable, it truly fucking is. I am the worst person i know and that’s saying something. The tiny, minuscule,microscopic list of good features that i posses are all undercut in some way or another. Every. Single. One.

I do good things but for the wrong reasons and when i try to do good things for the right reasons and really try and change, my attempt falls flat on it’s stupid fucking face every single time.

I should buy calanders and see how long it takes my friends to come to the glaringly obvious conclusion that “Hey,i shouldn’t be friends with this person” hey i don’t hold a grudge once they do cause god knows i’d leave me if i could.

Y’know what’s funny, i like to laugh, no , i love to laugh, there’s not a thing on this earth i won’t find a joke in or refuse to laugh at any topic because i have the greatest inspiration, my existence. Years filled with endless amounts of tragic comedy, so much so i remind myself of the best bits now and again, “Remember that time when i was so depressed and disgraced with myself, that i couldn’t look most people in the eye and would contemplate my existence nearly twice a day, y’know last February.”

The negativity towards myself,i store deep the fuck down in myself, like a fine wine ages over time to where it becomes a whole new thing entirely,where the hatred is stored in these hate barrels, but oh no,some stupid prick knocked them over and they’re flooding my mind. My god i’m thankful i’m the only one that can see/feel/whatever the fuck you do with thoughts, cause oh boy i’d be in jail. No joke it’s rotted, it’s not a clean and cozy place, i myself am disgusted with some of thing i think of, like “wow i just thought of that……i’m an excuse for a skeleton”

Annnnnnnnnnnd breath, o-k-a-y. That.Was.Heavy. I get that, for the people i know, who read this,fuck i don’t know what to tell ya. I happy you’re my friends and i’m happy i’m a friend or a close friend of yours because i say this no joke i’m extremely lucky to have as good circle of friends that i have right now, i treasure every one of ye.

I hope, i wish to fucking hope that i am able not to fuck it up this time. I just want 1 year where i feel better than i was the year before, i’m 5 months away from achieving that, will i make it,who knows?

Sooooooo(breakdown over)ooooooooo…what did i get up to this week. I’m glad you didn’t ask because honesty not much. I’m finished 1st year,essay’s submitted. In some odd way, my way of writing essays are like those household budget questions from business. A very linear process that’s incredibly rewarding once you get to the end and everything’s lined up. I’m proud of my essays. Will they get an A1? -are you joking? I did a lot of research for both essays, 2 weeks of reading for each and i though they came together nicely. Nowhere near perfect but good enough to be heading in the right direction. Sent them away and then…..nothing, that last 3 days have been horrible. I was able to get through the last 7 weeks because i had a strict deadlines and a schedule to adhere to but now I’ve got enough free time to drown myself in(As you can see from this post).

I hate having free time, i always want to be doing something but when i get given the time to do anything, i always end up doing nothing, i’m too indecisive that i’ll waste the next 5 months figuring out what side of the toast do i want to put the butter on.

I did have a plan for this time actually, i reckoned 5 months was just enough time to complete the remake for Final Fantasy 7 but discovering that they only released essentially the first 15-20% now and will be breaking up the rest over several parts over the next few years, i checked out immediately. Such an anti-climax after finishing the last 7 weeks of work,that my prize at the end was a lie.

However the week hasn’t been totally in vain, i did stumble upon and watch a film that has come closer than any film to topping Lotr: The Fellowship of the Ring as my favorite ever film. The film i stumbled upon is “Night is Short,Walk on Girl,” i’ll link the trailer at the end but by Christ did it come to me when i needed it most.

Now, i don’t want anyone reading what i’ve said about me and reaching out to help. I’m not suicidal(that’s the last thing i would be), i just like everyone else has got self-problems, and if this post can have a similar positive effect on my mental health, that the post about Antoinette had, then i’ll be happy. I’m sure some people feel the same way about themselves, i just don’t know. I may hate myself but i know at this present moment that i have a way of making things right and have people around me to drive myself to make that happen,there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Let’s just hope it’s not the train.

Mind Yourself

Seán

6 days ago i didn’t know if i’d continue with this. I guess we know now

I promise to be less morbid than last week,to prove it here. Speaking of last week’s blog, i was really satisfied how it all turned out last week, while the thoughts have continued,the duration if them have lessened. Knowing now that they’re all collected into my little corner of the internet, allows my brain to take a breather. I was also touched last week, from the support i got off the back of talking about it,not just My number #1 Fan, but other college friends and a few from the access group. All in all, i’m happier now, than i was 6 days ago,it ain’t much but it’s honest work.

Just i case i’ve screwed myself over with a few dodgy blog posts(Closed for Business, i’m looking at you) what i’ll do for the next few weeks is stay on a similar path making sure i have enough to meet requirement. Like answering all 20 short questions in Leaving Cert Geography, when you only have to answer 10.

I think i’ve spent more time on the radio module this week than any other week. Not doing the assignment, i’m exempt,no way i’m gonna do it,i ain’t so swat. I’m an idiot,anyone whose read even one of these posts should see that by now. What i mean by “spent the most time” is doing what i’ve been best at this semester, helping others.

4 days jumping from chat to chat to help people with their audio, it was….. it was……..refreshing,i know, sound the Swat alarms. I helped a few people with Marky Mark Reily, being one and Erin Lally,whose crowned are teacher/student dynamic “The Dream Team”, well when she’s not referring to me as “my personal helper”, days of feedback, corrections,further corrections,emails,response emails,phone calls,video chats.Jesus H. Christ it was hell……i loved it though.Teaching two potheads how to adjust audio levels on April 20th (4/20), i swear was one of Hercules’s 12 labors, cause jesus fuck i was rattled. It was all worth it in the end.

Look at the student I’ve raised

I finished off my history Essay,today in fact. Months of reading about 17th century french women have finally reached it’s end point. I feel sad leaving history. It was by far and away my favorite subject throughout primary, junior and cert, the only subject i got a H1 in. I love studying history and i’m sure i’f i worked hard i wouldn’t be to far until i was in First Honors territory but it’s sad to leave it go. Like Andy leaving woody,i have to realize I’ve got to let go at some stage,but it’ll still hurt saying goodbye.

Now there’s only 2000 words of english between me and the end of the semester, i’ll have 4 days to write it,hard part is done already but god i’m so close i can spit at it.

That’s it for another week,i’ve spent 10 mintuts trying to think of a good outro, so fuck it,I’ve been Seán Pierre Vincent Finnan, you’ve been rading my blog, so as thanks i’ll say thanks.

P.S if my #1 Fan could not forget my present come September, that would be great.

Mind Yourself

Seán