This is impromptu, i thought about this today for the first time in years, it hit hard, part due to how old the memory is, and how it is quite nostalgic in the “oh my god, I’ve always been like this” sort of way, the type that keeps you awake at night, it is 1.40 in the morning, but i’m not trying to sleep, so this instance can be struck from the tally, it’s actually quite long without this one, i really should see someone about it, do you know someone?
So, the memory
It’s 2004 or 2005, i’m 5, and it’s a junior infants classroom. The same one where i said something mean that’s mean to a 5 year old, under my breath to Cherise L, but as subtle as i can be, she heard it and took it upon herself to resent me for the rest of primary school, until she mocking proposed to me aged 12 and got the rest of the class for what felt like the next few months to play along in one mad joke, we even used a colours day to have a mock celebration, it was a sweet and heart-warming time, so yknow, always looking to take on responsibilities when i can’t handle them, i can barely handle this blog. I also remember the junior infants room for having this thick heating pipe that was exposed under the windows, i lent back too much one day, smacked my head off the pipe and ended up with the chair on top of me.
But to the central story, i don’t know how to cycle a bike, never needed to, everyone, everything and everywhere was less than an hour away so why bother, and having a decent transportation services, only compounded that later. Many of my friends did know they’re way around a peddle???? idk
So, in that department at least, complete clueless. One day, just before break, a question in our school book, was the prompt ‘Draw a bike’, and we were told by Ms Gelese (i think her name was), as soon as we had drawn it, we could go out to the yard early and have a longer break, “cool-a-boo-la” i thought, “this is simple, wheels, handles, seat, ahhh peddels, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, bell, ahhhhhhhhh wait how do they all fit together, what does the rest of a bike look like?????”
The fact that quite quickly the room was empting, did not help “how am i not getting this…..even Daniel M and Bino T are gone(placeholder names).” Soon everyone had gone, even the teacher, the lights were turned off, i was panicking “they must know i’m still in here, they must think i’m stupid, laughing at me” i drew, rubbed out and redrew that fucking bike so many times i made a hole in the page.
Someone, i believe Liam De K, came back in because he forgot his lunch and asked why i was still here, i can’t remember what lie i said because i certinaly wasn’t going to admit the truth. He shortly left and i returned to my next attempt at sketching a fucking bike, and after a long time, i gave up, left the last attempt there, i didn’t care if Ms Gelese thought it was bad at this point, i just wanted to go out in the yard, gathered my lunch left, walked down the steps to the yard, and didn’t even finish a sentence before the bell rang and everyone started running past to get back to their amazing drawings, pricks.
I hadn’t thought about that memory in years, the best part of a decade. And what was strange about it was how much it resembled parts of myself today, almost the earliest memory of a pinpointed set of actions where I knew what i was feeling and could convey it, the anxiety, the overthinking the imagining of impending embarrassment. It was all there, nearly 20 years since that fucking prompt, it’s actually quite funny that that seed of shit wouldn’t develop fully for another decade. Like spotting a dropping of a hint of a twist in the first act, like ahhhhhh i see what they did there, they knew what was coming, wait till he get’s to the lighter story, that’ll really kick him down(not to get all omg my life is soo crazy it’s like a film xDDDD).
Part of this is also and i must stress this, it being almost 2 decades removed, being able to spot how crazy those feelings were and how often i let them fester, that “cmon, i was feeling like this in my early 20’s the same way i processed this in my early 00’s” it was a moment of huh i’m better than i was, which is always a great feeling.
Maybe i did hit my head too hard off that pipe huh
PS – In the time after she proposed (i thought it was very sweet aswell, it was like an arts n crafts class and we were learning how to make little boxes out of the Christmas cards we had all given each other. And the boxes did look like the box a engagement ring comes in, so i see her idea), there was this time where the substitute teacher put on cars fucking 2 of all films, it was so bad i didnt even get in the big semi circle and watch in on the projector, i sat at the back of the class in my seat, the original don’t they know i’m pritt sticking Fernando Torres into my copybook, when someone asked the teacher if she had a boyfriend, she said “yeah, we’re getting married”
My head dropped into my hands, i knew it was coming, i was pre-empting the embarra – SEAN AND CHERISE ARE GETTING….
I couldn’t look up, it was physically cringing.
I still keep the box she proposed to me with in my sock drawer, it’s a nice shot of earnestness to the heart every so often when it appears.
Ireland through tests, first imposed, then predominantly self-inflicted through general negligence of handling our own affairs, saw the taming of the Celtic tiger and a period of an economic slump of the late 2000s-early 2010s that established itself as the bedrock for which a period of drastic economic policy that was planted under it years prior, in an attempt to generate as much stimulation as possible, the lowering of tax on businesses, the rise in attraction swelled and not just with business leaders, with leaders of the family too, the historic rise of economic growth in a the post-soviet union, European union, saw the torch economic aspirations in Europe burn as bright over Ireland as it ever had done, and in a economy creating more jobs than it had people to fill them, the turn of the eye to foreign talent grew ever fixed on the ever realising prospect that for the first time in the history of the state, it would see considerably more people come to these emerald shores than would turn the heads away from them and look elsewhere for their prospects. The 21st century in Ireland saw that influx of foreign nationals, for work, for education, for safety, for stability. And while the tiger couldn’t prowl forever, its cub did survive, the corporation tax lowered a year before even more Europeans could benefit from the right to free travel, which would yield the economic miracle rivalling the records, the Scandinavian standards, the strength of the tiger cub’s mother, but did not produce the same outcomes of her mother’s successes, down partially to the fact that there is little to be argued that no bigger roadblock has ground the economy more than surging to the very top of our European brethren, than the fact that the population of the state has not being maintained with the level of housing needed, Ireland is small, but it isn’t that small, used effectively, the average Irish person has more money in their pocket, wallet/purse, piggy bank, mattress, or bank account(or sacks of cash) than the average French person, the average German, the average Brit, how can this be? We’re above the European average in most socio-economic fields, and are ranked with the aforementioned three in nearly every major aspect; rate of poverty, homelessness, completion of secondary education, access to and completion of tertiary education, gender equality, addiction, and income inequality. But these are the standards for a developed 1st world, western, nation, I mean they are but think about that, over 1.6 million people are living in this country that were alive when Ireland was a third world nation, where they themselves and certainty family and friend of theirs, millions of Irish people in the 50 years since joining the EU, have moved, traveled across Europe. And with that, this state, these 4 provinces, these 26 counties, have enough geopolitical leverage with the world’s largest nations, a financial strategy that has shown itself more than just a simple tax haven, a state that as the late Brian Lenihan Jr, said,
“We have every right to be confident only if we have confidence in ourselves”
And we have done so, to such a successful degree, to say the average net income is higher here than former empires, states that ruled over not only us but hundreds of other nations, states that got where they are today based on the slave trade, colonisation, the mass exploitation of the third world for their own gain, and now at the present day, for the brief time that this second is…..that one right there, we can say, yes we have that, but we need to be better? but of course, Ireland, the historically tumultuous and slow-moving turtle, has passed out the hare, but there is no finish line in this race, you don’t win in economics, you don’t win in nation building, you keep stability, you don’t win, you achieve comfort, where you live by happiness, as something to abide by, not an outcome to achieve, you do it to create the ripples in the pond that come back to you, you don’t to it to become top of a happiness index. We have problems, as we did before, problems that we didn’t even know we had, and we have reconciled, we have sworn to create a better version of ourselves, built off the last one. To say “we must evolve” is not to say we must digress, become something alien, something that is indistinguishable from the state the founders of this country gave their lifework for, their lives for. The parts of us that we all agree upon that we hold to be us, that hold us apart, isn’t the money in our pocket or the friends around an ambassador table, it’s what we list, the virtues, and the negatives that make us who we are, there is no light without dark, no dawn without dusk, no peace without hate, we just as many of our friends across the waters around the world hold similar virtues, the same negatives as we hold, we are not a brotherhood of man seeking all, we a group of people that predominantly value justice, value introspection, value sympathy. The Ireland I know is an Ireland with a bruise forever on its cheek, but a heart to melt you, a story to lift you, and an unshakable look in its eye to know the past is done, it won’t be forgotten, because only in remembering our past, a remembrance in the whole, can we be assured of the future, a future with the knowledge that missteps will unfold, tears will be shed, fists will be clenched and glass will be shattered, but we have not made it this far, we have not seen the too many faces be faded into history, to betray their memory, not in the memory of them, but in the Ireland they lived in, the contributed to, fought for, died protecting, their memory of the stature of the island we are privileged to call home as are others, does not wilt, the ripple in the pond those not fade in reaching those that are too privileged like we all are, to call ourselves Irish. As John Hume once said,
“difference is an accident of birth, it is not something to be fought over, it is something to be respected.”
There is in one person’s eyes, no standard model of Irishness, we come in all shapes, sizes, colours, religions, duel nationalities, ethnicities, customs, and creeds, we are not bound to each other in almost all thinkable ways, but we are all bound by one thing,
Two years huh, christ the last 10 days have taken a similar length off my life. I’m using this blog, of which i was reminded of today, so screw it, time to delve back into the cathartic writing of an average journo student, the hardest working blah blah blah fuck itttt
Let’s start with some pleasentrys
Erasmus was and i mean this when i say it, perfect
Exactly what i wanted and more, did everything i hoped to do and more, learned so much more about myself and more, that was down to some substences though. I live everyday knowing that my life can be as good as that again, that i do have it within me, that if i started completly fresh in a new city, i could carve out something that fills my heart to the brim, and slightly, every now and again, spills over.
Messi won the world cup, so that added to 2022 being probably the best year of my life, so far. Erasmus, weightloss, my father not dying of covid, starting 4th year on campus, and working a nice minimum wage job with people i enjoyed immensely.
James RM was a huge part of my year, and wouldn’t have anywhere close to how good it was without him, even if take him for granted, i already appricate how much he’s present in some of my happiest memories, since our first meeting.
There’s mark obviously, i wonder who will finally get sick of one another company, but if it hasn’t already happened, with seemingly >80% of the days spent together at any length of time. He has become almost a part of routine, like the day doesn’t feel quite right if he isn’t a part of it.
So now, we move on, to liars
Frank McCourt
Moving on
FUCK THE LIMERICK VOICE
I am so checked the fuck out of the limerick voice module, i am waiting with my bags at the front door of the hotel waiting for the taxi to arrive. Just end ffs.
I will and do take stupid childish comments about the vast majority of things on the chin, but one thing i will never stand for, and will moan if disrespected for, is belittling earnest work.
I have never tried less than my ability when it has come to the Limerick Voice, i have pushed myself to become better at this course off the back of the idea of not being the weakest link in the chain, a group effort requires everyone pulling their weight, and i wasn’t raised by two working class parents who went above and beyond to make the best for me and my brother and sister, to be a little lazy fuck that did no work and complained about others for doing the same.
As already alluded to, the hardest working layout editor. My motivation for taking the layout editor, was a motivation out of shame, i didn’t do enough for the website last semester to warrant the position i took, so i pushed myself further to take more responsibility and more work, which i don’t care about, that’s why were in college, so i could not only justify my work to others, but justify it and not lie to myself that i “contributed”
BUT
All that to me, is untouchable, you can take advantage and undermine a person on a lot of things, but taking advantage of hard work and belittling it and exploiting it, is a line i can’t defend crossing.
20 HOURS
Who, tell me who is worked 20 hours, no pay, no guarantee of when its over, and told belittling comments about “why are you bringing the vibe down” “you’ll get a smedia, it’ll be worth it” “i know some of ye stay in to 6 in the morning anyway”
The lack of respect, i just can’t except it. Not anymore, its just ridiculous, i can’t listen to someone in good faith anymore that will treat someone like that, repeatedly, because we weren’t the first year to experience hours like that and we won’t be the last, the lack of respect, the lack of respect to think that’s okay, the lack of respect to then make light of it once everyone’s had their fucking day in The Sun, or should i say the Limerick Leader, is quite simply embarrassing, and will forever be a stain on this course.
It’s been almost two weeks since this whole mental debacle started, i have come to doubt myself as a person in a lot of aspects, being too introspective over this whole ordeal, that i have mentally painted myself into a corner, where the only course of action is to break a hole in the wall, i have acted out of line, out of character to a lot of people, some i’m more sadened as to how it aspired than other. I feel like i’m changing but stale at once, i’m aware that my change in mood has started to change basic conversations, i’m defaulting more to a negative attitude to college, when before this month i would have been the most positive about it, and still are in my ways, but i hope the best outcome from me being negative about the course to the students in the years below me, it that they know whats coming in years to follow, as told to them by some grumpy fuck a couple of years ago who has let his whole mentality about various aspects of his life spin on its axis, all because of a little disrespect, a few lies and general incompetence
I have no idea how long this period of mentall unrest will last, i wish it’s as soon as i finish this sentence.
One thing i hate, which if i made a list we’d be here all day, or for however long it takes for me to publish a new post cause jesus christ i lose track of keeping this up regualry. But who cares right……right.
So, one thing i’ve always always detested throughout my life is learning languages, evident in the fact i can barley speak english. But other than the langauge i’ve used to dig myself into deeper and deeper shit over the years, i haven’t been able to make it stick with any other language, but not for the lack of trying, believe me, i try, in any learning enviornment i try everything and anything, something i can learn, lay it on me. I before the days of covid, i spent the off time i had on campus, that wasnt with friends or in the libary, i spent it going and sitting in on random lectures, cause why the fuck not, theres no fee to the lecture, go in, settle in and worst case scenario, i leave after 10 minutes cause christ a talk about the processes of communitcation of port cities in internaltional business, is a january wednesday afternoon i am never getting back. But as stated, that willingness has never merited results in learning languages.
Irish – Failed/kinda – Fuck you Mr Chambers, so i said “and” a couple more times than i shouldve, so what? Prick
German – A non ztarter
French – A vacuous time, so many hours, and even at my best i was crap
Dutch – 🤞
As part of my erasmus, one thing that became pretty evident early on, because seriously, no shade, but fuck taking scotland. I might have been the only english speaking uni but cmon, it’s scotland, glasshouse i know, which is why i’d rather spend 5 months in a nice looking place, which hopefully for me (and james 🤞) is Holland, hopefully Rotterdam, to give it it’s full title, Erasmus University Rotterdam, so thats the dream. So with the dream comes the everpresent strings attached like
OH FUCK I’M NOT GOING TO BE LIVING IN MY PARENTS HOUSE FOR MONTHS
But other things like managing budgets, being semi-independent with holland bestie Mooney. But also the fact that i have to try my hand at another language, fun fun times. Or should i say….. leuk leuk times.
(I havent learned the dutch for “times” at time of typing)
So far though it’s going pretty well, if i spend by whole time in rotterdam in a food market i think i should be alright, anywhere other than a food market/restaurant then i will be in trouble. But thats what the next 9 months are for, should be okay O.o
In the meantime before that i have the end of this semester and then 8 months with the Limerick Post, which i know, how the fuck, idk, still kicking myself. I’m chalking it up to the fact that most had already gotten placements already, so the bottle of the barrel left, i guess was part of the best of the rest, along with Aofie, who i know literaly nothing about, no thats wrong….. i know her name, but thats about it, so open mind, can’t be worse than some othets in the class
Did i tell you i love sunflowers, i do, they never let you down, they just take in bullshit and continue to sparkle like the beatufil sunflower they are… god i’m sounding like Ginsberg…. IN TERMS OF POETRY THAT IS.
On other langauge fronts i add not a shade of being hyperbolic to this sentance when i say, i’m becoming addicted to old italain music. What started out as a bored idea with no other ideas for a playlist has transpired into a current multi dozen hour journey through italian music from the 60s to present, i’m currently making good pace through the 80’s collection, which is so far outperforming the 70s, but the 60s still the king so far. There’s a lot of duds, obviously a lot of the balled-y type songs arent gonna hit because the words cant carry any weight because it’s undecipherable nonsense to me, but theres still aton of great stuff. I’ll link the best here, as well as the on going playlist.
Thanks for listening to me again, much apricated, sorry for the wait, if you were soz
Tot Ziens!
Seán
Here’s probably the best bop so far, but a cover that i found that i enjoy, the original is full blown 80s which is also great, with the required sax solo.
Next is probably the most italian song i’ve ever heard
Next is the beautiful Mina, the most consistent singer so far, luv has a lot of hits for this uncultured swine, this being a absolute earworm.
This song is about a guy missing a cat, and thats it, but as limericks fiercest poet schooled me in, that’s what makes it poetry
This guys belt…….all that needs said
Those are just some of the best, you can check the rest out here
Blah blah blah Havent posted in a long time bollox bollox bollox
One of life’s great luxuries, a damn good song.
I happened upon this song from a individual who in the few meetings ive had with him have got to admire him a great deal, so much so i interviewed him for a Uni assessment of mine ……3……2……1…..Shhhhhameless plug
My voice, another stoke of paint on my busted canvas
Tom is great(as you’ve seen if you’ve watched, or if you’re not bothered to watch it, take my word for it, you lazy cow)
A mind obsessed with music is one i will be forever drawn to simply due to my quest for songs, just like tom. And last Sunday, while listening to his radio show ‘The Last Bus Home w/Tom Prendergast @ 99.9FM’ he played a track that is the at the centre of todays post.
‘Pam’s Mood’ by Kilburn & The High Roads
I doubt you’ve heard of it, i hadn’t.
At time of typing it’s got just over 20k plays on spotify and just over 11k on YouTube. You’re very much welcome to look on Apple music(or not, i don’t fucking care either or).
SO fair to say it’s a bit of a hidden gem, and ohhhhh boy what a gem it is.
But a bit a background and foreground first, madam and misters.
The group, Kilburn & The High Roads weren’t very succesful. Their Frontman however was later. One Mr Ian Dury fronted The Kilburns and later went on to release his debut solo album ‘New Boots and Panties!!’ which went platinum in ’77.
Dury successes with numerous singles and albums from the late 70s to late 80s cemented his cult status in British new wave.
HE’S BEEN COMPARED TO ELVIS COSTELLO
(Sorry i just thought i was sounding Batemen-esque)
He has a tone in his words that one could equate to Morrisey, Dury predated Morrisey but the point still stands. Morrisey was so well in conveying (in his smiths days anyway) this sweet tragedy about anything. That everything might be fucked or i feel like i want to die but at least I’ll go down laughing about it(at myself mostly)
That sort of morbid irony finding the gruesome upside in a bleak situation, or a ironic downside in a pleasant one.
I see this trait in Dury also. Not that Dury does this in most, or even some of his tracks. He’s not as boxed in as that. But on this one track in particular, ‘Pam’s Mood,’ i find it fascinating not just on the contents of the song but that it’s almost a Smiths song in disguise, that in some weird way predates them. Not to make the claim that The Smiths or Morrisey were pioneers in somewhat upbeat/depressing music, not at all. But it just shares eerily sentiment.
But thats enough background and foreground, or Slap and tickle.
Let’s get on to the meat and potatoes.
As already expressed it’s just this pre-historic Morrisey-esque tone wrapped around the song and all the way down its throat.
A song about a couple fighting, with Mr Dury’s portrayal of a narrator on the receiving end from his significant other “Pam”
Her words eat through his soul, turning it into wormwood, a toxic substance to humans. Broken china, ruptured psyches, shivers up a spine and being a obedient significant other to Pam.
Now none of that sound great, Pam in this song, physically and mentally breaks the narrator, like they’re a servant to Pam.
But what gets me is that songs about bad relationships, dull marriages and toxic significant others are as old as the hills, and will be around to the new hills are made. But i say again, what gets me is the tone and almost joy in the narrators voice. Like he enjoys being on the end her bad mood, in not just the words or tone of the narrator. The music of the song is this like Singing in the rain backing music about lamenting about love. It’s a total intentional mismatch that gives the whole song a dream like quality, like you’ve gone to sleep thinking about being on the end of a femdom fetish and you then you dream about being in one.
It sounds like a the narrator is one half of a match made in hell. Like a Joker and Harley Quinn type of thing. Not the best comparison i admit, but its what came to mind. Like if you take how in ‘Joker’ they used a song from known Pedophile Gary Glitter, to put the right twisted edge on a song to match the character on screen. Well in a roundabout way i see ‘Pam’s Mood’ the same way, that in my interpretation of lyrics, the narrator is a kind twisted character. He knows Pam is awful, she beats him into submission, and he’ll put up with her breaking him down, so long as when they’re still together as a pair afterwards, it’ll make him whole again.
This ain’t the girl for you chief.
That’s my longwinded and unsubstantiated claim about a nearly 45 year old song. But it just grabbed a hold of me as it made me put all these pieces together and the fact that this song gives the allusion that these pieces exist is why i love this song. A sweet little ambiguous few lines about a seemingly cartoonishly toxic relationship with a abusive partner whose abuse the narrator maybe/maybe not enjoys receiving.
Give it listen, hopefully you’ll disagree with me.
I’ll try to get the next post out as soon as i can, i have like 3 months to cover and i just want to get everything in check so i don’t miss anything.
And the semester is about to start back up again, so i predict that my work ethic is about to skyrocket again, after being on life support for the past 2 months.
But Slan, give a good word to your mother from me, and don’t be too hard on yourself, cause no man does it all by themself…..SO I SAID YOUNG MAN PUT YOUR PRIDE ON A SHELF
I am not Jesus H. Christ, I know right, stop the press. What I mean by that is that I’m not infallible, I’m not above criticism, and to some, I’m not a good person. But it is in my belief, in knowing myself, that the things I pride myself most on are honesty, decency, and being there for those that need it.
Even before pursuing journalism, I always had a fascination with the truth. The search for, and the protection of it. Honesty and clarity are what I value most in a person. Even more than honesty, and I value decency highly. Having the character operate in exactly the same way regardless of environment or company, having the character to stand up for what you think is right or calling out what you think is wrong. Decency isn’t a synonym for political or social values for me. I believe the majority of people are either center, center-left, or center-right. That the vocal 15-20% minority on both ends of the spectrum are what drive the narratives, those that get the political balls rolling. And while I may distrust the far-left as much as I loath the lack of decency from the far-right. I ultimately hold both on level terms. One may have much more extreme views but in a point of ambiguity, I’ll let you the reader decide which one is the extreme one.
Long paragraph short, as long as you’re honest and not a cunt, you’ll have a page saved in my good book.
The last one is more personal. Before college I didn’t operate in the role of helper, I generally didn’t like helping others. But with the result of a few events that have transpired (some of which I laid out in the white and black of this blog), I find myself actively pushing myself to help others, at an almost subconscious level now. Because I believe that the tiniest gesture can alter a person’s life. One sentence, one act, one random display of kindness. So the idea that in the process of helping others I could’ve potentially made someone’s hour or day or week, month or year, makes it all worth it.
I know I mentioned the C man already but believe me I’m not religious, probably agnostic. But anyway, the phrase “do onto others as you would have them done onto you” really sticks out. Not that I do it so I can get a favor or some sort of help in return. But I believe that small acts really go a long way. And leading by example in being a helping hand is such an enriching experience knowing that the only outcome is joy.
So why am I mentioning this, well in case you weren’t aware there’s a global pandemic going on. (hopefully not much longer thx BioNTech) And with such a global disaster, changes and compromises need to be made to our world. People are losing jobs left right and center, people being evicted, not seeing loved ones for months, and most importantly, almost 1.3 million people are fucking dead.
SO, with all that going on, the last, and I mean the LAST group that I want to hear complaints about this is fucking students. My people, I’m a uni student and I fucking lose my mind anytime someone speaks out about how hard being a student is. Now to clarify, I am not saying because X is a student, X doesn’t have a right to complain about anything. I believe that everyone has a right and a voice in this little thing we call democracy. Buuuuut what I can’t stand is complaints that are entirely centered around college.
We as a student body is entirely made up of some of the most privileged people on the face of the earth. I hate to bring up the P-word. But I bring it up, not as a means to say I want to silence you, but rather a means of putting the problems of 19-26-year-olds (whether they’re dependent on their family or not) in line with peoples lives who are actively falling apart, while are bunch’s biggest problem seems to be what country we’re going to visit for 6 months,
Let me elaborate further, in case I’m being too blunt( which I expect I am), a lot of the problems I hear time and time again from students are some of the most mundane, braindead, and crocodile shit you’ll ever hear. ” We’re being targeted unfairly for breaking rules in the pandemic” Well other than admitting you’re breaking guidelines that activity puts the mortality of others at risk, let’s see if that has any merit. If you look at the spectrum of groups that broke guidelines. Students were criticized, sure, but that’s it. Others who break guidelines lose their fucking job. Golfgate cost some of the most high ranking officials, not just in the state but in the European Union, their job. Students got a slap on the wrist, and at most, if they were really fucking retarded and broke it on numerous occasions, then actions would take place.
This is a lack of decency, putting your enjoyment over the health of others.
Also, I don’t want to get into every complaint these dipshits seem to have about quarantine. But it’s generally either uninformed takes, lacking in total decency for others, or just a plain lack in honesty.
Like all these problems are the University’s fault, like have some fucking empathy. As if they asked for a global pandemic that puts them and the tens of thousands of students they look after into a health crisis. It just all seems so entitled. They(i mean the uni, the lectures, and tutors) are doing the best they can at adapting as much as we are. The amount of ungratefulness from students is actually unreal, such a snobby and cunty bunch of people, the second something doesn’t go their way. Go to UL confessions and you’ll find no shortage of complaints and bitching and moaning about this, that, and all types of absolute and complete nonsense. I almost clapped out loud, when someone responded to someone saying “they’re a week behind in the course, how am I to manage” and the response was “Maybe you wouldn’t be behind if you didn’t procrastinate” CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP to you good sir or madam(i know I’m talking like I’m from the 1800s but stay with me here).
This and the complaints about work schedules and the quantity of work. I’m privy to outside my course knowledge to know that most courses are complaining about workloads. But from what I know, meaning I know what my other classmates know, is that comparing the quantity of this semester’s work with last semester, we’re doing less writing, have fewer assignments, and have less work & classes in general. We all also have the built-up hours upon hours that we lose from the commute every day.
SO RIDDLE ME FUCKING THIS, how with more time and less work to people have the urge to complain. Well, the answer to that conundrum is beyond my universal intellect(lol).
The truth is people just like complaining, I’m guilty, I’m doing it right now. That is of course before I mention a certain GC. GOD this fucking GC. If I could bundle all the unattractive qualities that people without decency lack, it’s in this GC in flying fucking colours. I don’t dare even speak this GC’s name. It’s a pit of dishonesty, a void of moral character, of entrenched cowardly backstabbing. A circle that leaches of one another, but picks and chooses who to leach from. I’m glad I left it, I hope never to return. It makes people into what I despise most.
I’d rather be in GC with honest fascists and commies than to spend time in a GC with dishonest cowards.
My Expectations of people as I’ve already said are quite low, be honest, and have a shred of decency and we’ll be fine. FOR example, a few months ago I attended a group of friends who I hadn’t seen in ages and was overjoyed to see them again. I’d felt bad for not inviting a certain friend but I didn’t want to drag them along because of a few reasons. Near the end of the day with them, the conversation turned into a hate-filled circle jerk about this friend I hadn’t invited. TRUST me, it takes a lot to leave me angrily speechless, and oh was I at that moment, I let the moment pass, digested all the points they all brought up and after we all left, I immediately pored over this again and again and again and again. Because of these acts by those who I considered friends, these acts were absolute friendship breakers. No doubt in my mind. I confronted them all about it and they accepted that what they had done was wrong and they felt bad about it. Let it not go overlooked that I was ready and willing to cut ties with this whole group of friends, given they doubled down. Doubling down means a knowing attempt at a disregard of being an Honest and Decent human being. I’ll put up with a lot in people, especially friends, but breaking one does immeasurable damage in my eyes. Breaking both is the last straw, being unapologetic is a total and irreversible dealbreaker. Because to have any sort of decency you need to be honest with yourself, and if I lied to myself in this situation to maintain friendships then I’d be nothing more than a spineless slippery snake of a human being that is willing to break every single principle that I hold over maintaining a few friendships.
That is what the GC is yet to learn, which is why I’ll never return. I make it out as they want me back, most probably fucking hate me. But readers, my ship has sailed on that GC long ago, a cargo ship carrying 100% pure and crystal Columbian hatred.
I haven’t posted as much as I should have, I scraped a few posts because I didn’t feel they cleared the bar for this blog( a bar which is extremely low) I hope to post more often this winter.
Stay safe, don’t be a gowl, spread the faith.
Seán
PS- Think i’ll start to link new songs that i enjoy,
It’s been too long, far too long since i just did this……..but what it this?
Well, why i’ve stayed devoted in posting here for so long is that i just wanted a space, a way of expressing,of laying out my thoughts and what i’m stressing about from one week to the next. I’ve grossly unperformed in terms of keeping this blog a routinely updated piece of content. Under performed in a sense that not only do i feel i’ve not worked enough through lockdown, in writing that is, i’ve kept busy doing, learning and exploring avenues that have resulted in some positive aspects, i can say i’m returning to college with a bit more skills under my belt. I’ve come nowhere near close in what i wanted to accomplish, due partly to the setting of goals way to high, annnnd it set them on a whim without having much idea how i was going to learn said skills.
So in that aspect i feel like i’ve wasted time that would’ve been better off used elsewhere. So there’s that.
I’ve also been a bit down on myself lately, mainly due to over analyisng a few to many thoughts. I think the post where i first referenced what i’m about to talk about, i think the post posted on June 1st, where i casually mention that i’ve started messaging someone i’d met online. The same individual that the post with the voice notes transcriptions. That person.
So here’s the deal
I love it,i really do. Its a pleasure, she’s a pleasure. I think we get along so well, and she’s even said that she really enjoys talking to me. But very recently i’ve just(either through repetitive analysis or some other things i’ll mention)… i just don’t feel it, i don’t feel what i felt the second time she messaged me and i remember thinking “Ohhhh she’s……..she’s got it” Her fucking sardonic reply was all that was needed and that was it for about 100 days. I was just as eager to reply as i was the first time she messaged me,but very recently i’ve just become less enthusiastic and i’m not sure why. I have ideas but none seem to fit so far. I just felt like the last few days that i’m talking to her, not because i want to but because i don’t want stop dead. Every conversation ends with “talk to you tomorrow” or something to the equivalent. And it always has continued(for the vast majority). We can talk about anything, that’s a main joy i got and continue to get from it. That i never knew quite exactly where it’d end up. With most people i feel that i can almost telegraph the back and forth and as a result i just don’t enjoy talking to those people, but with her…. i’ll give you an example, she made a joke about running a cult back in like june. It was funny, we laughed and we moved on, fast forward to last week and i off the cuff through it out again, it landed,but the strange thing was, was that it led to like a 3-4 hour discussion about the morality of Work Unions and whether they’re a benefit or a hazard, and i fucking loved that, the transition from two complete opposite ends of the spectrum, a back and forth where we’re trying to one up the other’s joke to a dead serious discussion about Workers unions, and rights and so on and so forth. I don’t mean this in weird or sexual way,but she just scratches this itch,this mental itch i have. It’s so pleasurable, so much so i went back for more,everyday for 100 days.
But now, i simply don’t know why i’m not as eager. Because we never run out of things to talk about. Just when i think we are, we get sidetracked and boom we’ve all this material to get through. I mentioned that what we could potentiality have a gold mine, in one of my voice messages. And i said it with reason,because just as i think this thing is just out of gold,i find a speck that leads to a nugget and the process of begins all over again,extracting all golden moments as i can.
I’ve always held the assumption that i’m getting played,even when we first started talking i was for sure convinced she was a catfish, because it was just to good to be true and while that assumption has been squashed, i still hold a similar sentiment, that just as i said when i first mentioned this, i still(even now) wouldn’t bet on this becoming anything more than it is right now. Even thought i brought it up and we both expressed sentiment that we’d like things to progress into something in the future. I have that same feeling i did with the catfish. That it’s just too good to be true. I’m not oblivious to the fact that i’m probably not the only one she’s messaging that have a similar thing going, because it’s impossible that i’m the only one,because she’s just so attractive,in more ways than one, and even that isn’t doing her justice. I just get this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that keeps reminding me ” It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true” That it will end eventually in rejection in some way or another, because to put it simply, it always does. That for a brief moment i’ve thought that this could transpire into something greater, but as if to knock me down, reality came around and without so much as a mere touch,cut me into little pieces.
And the worst part about it is that i’ve done this myself, she hasn’t let on an inch, a speck of truth about any of this, quite the opposite. And that’s what i hate most, that yet again the architect for my downfall is me, again!
So what now? I guess i’ll come to terms to why exactly i’m not as eager as i was even very recently. And even when i snap out of this and go back to her, if i just imagine a scenario where i was able to get a 100% honest view from her regarding what i’m currently dealing with, even if she assured me that all of my nonsense thoughts, were infact nonsense, it would just then point to the question that i’m too afraid to now the answer to, that i’m the problem,i’m this toxic, jealous and envious cunt that can never be happy with what i’ve got and are willing to piss away the relationships i’ve made off the back of some shit that i wouldn’t be able to just let go.
Because i’m afraid that even she did assure me that what i think isn’t true and that i am at the end of the day just lying to myself for being happy.
If she did that, which i have no right to even ask, but if she did……
In the summer of 2001, Rapper and star of 2004’s Barbershop 2: Back in Business, Eve Jihan Jeffers Cooper,also known simply as EVE,released her single “Let me blow Ya Mind,” where distinguished poet Dame Gwenth of the Stefani’s utters the line “It’s only been a year,it took me a while to get here and i’m gonna take my tiiiiiIIIIiiime.” Couldn’t have put it better myself Gwen.
So,today, the 10th (or at the time of writing, tomorrow) marks 1 year since Antoinette Massey,sadly passed away. I talked about my feelings and utter grief in losing such a pure person, who was quickly becoming a good friend of mine. I don’t want to repeat what I’ve said already,so i’ll link the previous post where i discuss my thoughts and feelings in depth, here
What i wan to do here is that,i want to reflect a little bit and add some information that I’ve learned in the 365 days since she sadly passed on.
I still think about her often,what gets me the most is song lyrics,open ended lines that could be ascribed to anyone but feels just right for her,and what i think of her. I did a little digging a handful of months back and stumbled across her old Ask.fm page.
It was both a gaze into an extra glimpse of a person whose tiny mannerisms and eye movements have been internal burned into my mind through over remembrance. So it was on the one hand, a final goodbye,like a final letter from a pen pal,or a unanswered voice message for a deceased loved one. There’s something so pure and untouched about it. A list of answers frozen in time,answers given by someone who at the time was slowly distancing herself away from her past problems. I view these Ask.fm answers the same way Holden Caulfield thinks of the exhibits in the Natural history museum. That it doesn’t matter how many times you return to it, or through what lens you view them through,they will always be the same,set in stone. The only thing that’ll change, is me.
But i did come away with some negatives from the Ask.fm answers. A common theme of her answers revolve around her affection towards her boyfriend. Read them and you’ll see,she was crazy about him. Which gave, the fact the boyfriend later dumped her through the phone,so much more weight. They broke up towards the end of the summer. And she was gone just over a month later,if i remember correctly. Just as she found her ticket from the dark side,she ultimately found herself let go,only to start slipping back towards her past mental problems.
And i want to acknowledge that i’m no way implying i know the full picture. I more certainly will never know. But putting another piece in the jigsaw puzzle is at the same time,rewarding and deflating.
I can’t even fathom the idea of one of my current classmates taking the same road as Antoinette. Much like with Antoinette,i held respect every single of my classmates,at the very minimum. But the good friends i carved out of this. I just wouldn’t,i couldn’t be able to stomach the idea of losing Xan, Sadhbh, Mark,Ellen,James and especially Caleb. They, whether they know it or not have been pivotal in the most trans formative/progressive year in my life. I would not be the same person without them. I’m so grateful i’m not who i was 4 or 3 years ago, or even 18 months ago. The access course prepared me but for the path I’ve been on recently, i couldn’t wish for better people on my side.
I can’t remember who said it but they said the best way to see how much you’ve evolved as a person is to look back at your younger self and if you see it as a cringy mess,then you know you’ve grown,you’re matured enough now to not only accept that what you did was wrong, but more importantly why you thought it was good idea at the time.
But at the same time,as happy and eternally grateful for my last year of my life, it again comes back to Antoinette, because if someone as undeserving of a second chance as me. I still have no idea how i got selected for the access course,how was i better than the hundreds of applicants. I for sure got the lowest LC points out of everyone,100% positive.
But i’m given this chance. And she wasn’t,yes she got selected for the access course as well, and yes she passed it the same as me, and yes she even started her course at the same time that i did. What i’m trying to get at, is it will forever live with me the notion that(and i know everyone’s struggle is different,i wouldn’t for one second accuse ANYBODY for not dealing with their emotional/mental problems as good as someone else,so i’m not making that point,Antoinette went through as much and greater turmoil mentally, than me. And if mine are almost unbearable it almost brings me to tears just imagining knowing she was walking around with much more anguish than i was,and still i couldn’t see it.),it will forever live with me the notion that,it was entirely possible that she was so close to finding as good a bunch of caring and encouraging friends in her course,as i did in mine. That’s an assumption,and a big one at that. But i’ll never know if that assumption is true or not.
I’ve barked on about this topic for much longer than should, the facts are that i knew Antoinette for only 9 months. I’m in no position to be the leading voice on her life,because simply i just don’t know enough. Her family,relatives,closest friends and lovers, will undoubtedly have much more to say in every respect about her, and what kind of person she was.
But i can only speak from what i knew of her. That for 9 months she was someone i immensely looked up to(even though she was only a width of a hair over 5ft), i admired nearly everything about her,i was at times envious of her. She left me in stitches from laughter and because of where she’s from,if i ever got in an argument with her she probably would’ve left me in stitches as well.
I still miss her everyday and i won’t be the only one remembering her today, a day that happens to be the World Suicide Prevention Day. For what ever happens to me,what friends make, for what love i find, for how i treat others, and for how i’m remembered by all that knew me,every positive that might come from their mouths, i owe all that to meeting a friend,whose passing made me completely altered my life,a friend that shall forever be a role model in my life,whose memory will be with me til the day i die. I miss you everyday Antoinette,i still can’t believe you’re gone.
Okay i’m back, but not entirely,this isn’t going to be a regular post,what’s a regular post on this blog? Who the fuck knows. All i’m saying is that i’ve got something different prepared for this post,so it won’t be a ramble post of sorts. One of those ramble update posts is coming in the future,about what’s been happening with me,but this idea kinda popped into my head so i’m gonna jump on it and hey maybe it’ll be entertaining or whatever,hopefully you’ll like it 😉
Okay so here’s the deal, it was my birthday the other day and i got really really really really really really really really drunk,like really drunk. So drunk that i started having mini blackouts. So i’m never getting that drunk again,well for the foreseeable future anyway. Sooooo why’s this important, i’m glad you asked. What i ended up doing while i was drunk was to send voice note after voice note to a certain someone. I kinda remember saying most of it and some not so much, i felt really embarrassed with the stuff i don’t remember saying. SO what i’ve decided to do is to transcribe my voice notes into this post,i’ll change a few details here and there, especially the names,so no names mentioned are the real names of anyone mentioned, so yeah here goes.
Quick note-I’ll give a bit of context after each voice note,all 12 of them,yes you read that right, 12 drunk voice notes.
God i’m such a moron……as you’re about to read.
No.1 @ 4:04 AM
Okay,okay later in day message about how drunk i am. I am severely drunk, drunker than i ever been in my fucking life cause i fucking don’t have many occasions to get drunk cause i don’t like getting drunk but fuck it, it’s my birthday and i got so fucking drunk that i threw up a little i think i’m gonna get yelled at when i wake up in the morning so hmmm maybe that’ll happen i don’t know, so fuck it i really don’t know what to say this is probably hell to listen to and you probably can’t decipher anything i’m saying but fuck it this is what’s happening,this is whats happening when it’s 4 in the morning and i’ve drunken fucking gin,brandy,Guinness, fucking fairy gin all these fucking drinks and all these gins,i think i’ve thrown up a little, maybe not, pretty sure if i have i’ve cleaned it up but fuck it i don’t know it’s happened anyway so what can i do about it, i think i’ve cleaned it up so i’m okay so maybe if i have i’ve done the best i can so maybe what the fuck can i do about it i don’t know meh (inaudible giggling) but anyway with all that going on the other thing that’s happened, the only thing i can rely on is that this conversation will be here and that i can talk to you anytime i want because i know you’re so fucking sound and you’re so fucking great that i can talk to you about anything and that you’ll be so fucking sound and so fucking great that we can talk about anything and i, SOooo so so so fucking drunk, i’m so fucking drunk i’m so sorry i’m so fucking sorry i’m so so sorry, i think i’ve already said this but i’ve had like Guinness and tw- loads of types of gin,gins but without tonic or anything,just straight GIN,glasses and glasses of just straight gin and all these different types of gin and straight brandy and Guinness and i think i’ve thrown up a little i think i might already said that but fuck it’s been a fucking wild one and i’ve been dancing in my kitchen with my sister whose this fucking like tictok person fucking i don’t know it’s like a weird fucking thing and this might be very (inaudible)…this might be very(inaudible) this might be very (inaudible) this might be very weird to listen to but fuck i don’t know, i won’t say i’m not really like this but this is like special occasion me this is like “I’m going to get drunk but i’m gonna get sooo fucking drunk that i throw up drunk,” and i think i threw up a little but i clean it up it’s like weird cause i threw up, i think i threw up but i remember cleaning it all up but i don’t actually remember throwing up its super fucking weird and i know i’m saying this now and i know i’m gonna listen in the morning and go “Oh my god you’re so fucking stupid for saying all this.” but really fuck i might as well say it now because like i really don’t fucking know but this might bring a smile to your face and that’s all that really fucking matters because it don’t really know what to say right now because i’m so fucking langers. It’s so dark in my bedroom, i can’t even see my fucking bed, i’m just wandering around i can’t fucking see anything, the only thing i can see is my phone i have to wander around til i fall onto my bed cause i have no idea whats happening,the only thing i know whats happening is that i’m talking to you and you’re gonna hear this in the morning and that’s about it. but fuuck AHHHHHHH, fuck. Okay word of advice do not drink fairy gin because it will fuuuck you uuuup, it is oh my god its horrible shit,old like 30 year old fairy gin,this ruined me,my throat was like a sewage fucking hose like (makes throwing up noises repeatedly). Hehe i can just imagine you listening to this in the morning and going “Fuck sake Seán what the fuck are you talking about just shut the fuck up,” but hey im not gonna fucking lie or anything,like i don’t know why would you want to be “something more” with me,cause i’m just fucking all over the place,and i really don’t know what to say but everything that i’ve said today is 100% what i want from you and me, i just want it to progress and when we both feel right,to move into something more and if that something more is like a relationship or fucking whatever then i’m super fucking down with that,super fucking down with that,i really don’t give a fuck what we are, i just wanna be something, just ssssomething. I’m soooo fucking drunk,soooo drunk,i cant even see the other side of the room and the room isn’t even that big its like 20 x 12 feet,its not like that big but i cant even see the end of it because its so dark and my eyes are so fucked and i know i’m just rattling on and i’m probably not making any sense but it’ll probably make you laugh and that’s probably why i’m doing it in the first place i don’t know, i’m so drunk because its my 21st, i’m 21 fucking years old and i don’t even feel like it, i don’t even feel like it, i feel the same as i was yesterday when i was 20,and now i’m sitting down on my bed,AHHHHHH,and now i’m sitting up,i’m narrating my drunkenness, hehehhehe, fuck i shouldn’t have drunk this much,not this much,but this is where my trusty gum comes in because it takes away all the shit and leaves me with minty minty MINTY FRESH,oh fuck im soooo –
*Faceplam* Yeah,even when i was drunk i knew what i was saying was all over the place at least there was some sense left in my head,which is conforting in a weird kind of way. There’s not much i think needs context in this 1st message. Roll on the second…
No.2 – 4:15 AM
Okay,okay the last one cut out, what i was trying to say, i don’t know where the last one cut out, so i’m just gonna continue on with my thought process cause there’s no way i’m gonna remember what i was thinking 20 minutes ago,so what i was trying to say is that you’re so fucking….so fucking good, you know what, you’re so fucking good, it that you can be fucking anything,fucking anything and i’m SOOOO fucking drunk and i still think this, you’re so fucking goood, SOOOO goood,you could be anything you could be a psychiatrist or a veterinarian or anything but you’d be so fucking good at it cause y’know why because you’re a diamond,a fucking diamond. You’re so fucking 1 in a million, you’re so fucking good, and i say that with anything that i can, you’re so fucking good, i wouldn’t let anybody on this fucking earth say otherwise i wouldn’t let anybody say otherwise, i’d have to get everyone to agree that you are the fucking sun of the earth,the brightness in everyone’s life cause you’re so fucking amazing, absolutely amazing, and i hope everyone else on this fucking earth sees you as this amazing person, this fucking….i know i’m saying fuck a lot but its the main part of my vocabulary so fuck it,i hope everybody on this fucking earth sees you as this amazing sun, this beam of light,as i see you cause you fucking amazing,from the moment i fucking saw you,to right fucking now, you’ve been this fucking seed that’s been planted in my heart that has grown into this humongous flower that has conquered my fucking…….what my garden? …….my jungle? i don’t fucking know,i have no idea what i’m saying, but i don’t fucking care because i know whats in my heart and i know that you’re fucking amazing and i know i just wanna spend as much time as i can with you,like i just wanna go to Cork and spend as much time on the beach with you as you smoke fags and watch the waves come in cause that’s all i wanna fucking do, that’s all i wanna fucking do, as much as i can, that’s all. And i know i’m drunk but again drunk body, sober mind, i’m so fucking drunk and i’ve probably said this so many times but all these thoughts are what i’ve been thinking anyway,i just wanna see you,siting on some beach, smoking some fags,on some beach watching the tide and i just wanna watch you cause you’re so fucking good,you’re my star, my fucking star in the galaxy, fuck all the other stars,FUCK EM,some stars are brighter, some last longer but fuck em they have the amount of depth as a kiddie pool, the amount of fucking girls that don’t even have an inch on you cause you are fffffffffffffffucking amazing fffucking amazing, i’d kick every girl off the face of the earth as long as you stayed on it, cause that’s how fucking good you are, y’know that, i hope you know how good you are, ffffffffuck!!! i’m so drunk, i think i’ve already said this but i’ve had two cans of Guinness,beamish,fairy gin,regular gin,two full bottles of champagne, i’m so fucking langers, soo langers,and this might be completely inaudible because its in a limerick accent,i’m probably not making that much sense,but fuck it this is my time, i’m really drunk, i’m really sappy and as i said i’m 100% genuine….when i’m sappy and all i wanna say is that, you, you, Autumn whatever the fuck you’re middle name is Kelly are a bright light in my life, every time i see your name in my notifications my mind is like “oh yes happiness is in my life again” a smile comes across my face,everything is good in the world again cause i know you’re not sick of me yet,that you actually want to talk to me,cause fucking hell i couldn’t imagine a better person to talk to for every fucking day of the week and oh my god i’m sooo fucking drunk, i probably said this sooo many times already and its probably so annoying but…..
For real, how many fucking times did i say “amazing” in that one? 8 times is the answer there. I should really get a thesaurus cause fuck i need to vary my sappiness a little. “You’re fucking amazing” Yes retard you said that already,move on.
No.3 @ 4:22 AM
…..that’s what drunk people are they’re fucking annoying,so i’m not……i didn’t make this fucking stereotype i was born into it. Huh,as i said in one of my last fucking ones i hope you’re doing well Autumn, i hope you’re less drunk than me,i don’t know why i’m saying all this cause i’m probably wrecking my chances of a “something more” or whatever that is, or maybe i’m not, maybe i’m increasing the chances, i don’t fucking know, all i care about is showing me,the true me,when i’m fucking drunk i’m like this fucking frog,i don’t know if frog is the right word,a frog,hopping from lily pad to lily pad to another fucking lily pad of thoughts and there’s no correlation between any of them i’m just jumping, but all this is the self critical side of me,Fuck that side of me,Fuck it! Cause i’m sick and tired of that side of me and letting it rule me if i always listened to that side of me i wouldn’t have replied to you in the first place and imagine that! 3 months of my fucking life where this was one of the best things about these last 3 months has just been messaging you, of all sorts of fucking shit,about anything i don’t give a fuck what were talking about i really don’t, what i care about is that i’m talking to you, cause you’re so fucking good,i hope you know that, i probably said that i one of my last messages but you’re so fucking good,so fucking good,sso good,everyone on this earth that doesn’t appreciate you as i much do, is fucking dirt to me cause there’s no way i could appreciate any of their other opinions if they cant see you as the fucking star in the galaxy of my life then what the fuck do they have to offer me,if they cant see you as this fucking goddess, this Cleopatra, wait no that’s probably not the right words cause that sounds like a dominatrix type thing….. but this like queen, this like beautiful person,this beautiful woman that deserves everything she gets, i’m not saying i know everything, i’m not this amazing prodigy but i know enough to know..whats the word……discredits???…. no…..it’s what the Italian commentators use when describing the national team at the 2006 world cup,even though the Italian team won and the french team fucking bottled it and threw away their victory because Zinedine Zidane couldn’t keep it temper in charge because Materazzi said he’d like ride his sister and that sent Zinedine Zidane off and headbutted him in the chest which means he got sent off which meant that France were down to 10 men in the 2006 world cup final which meant that Italy won, there’s even statues of Zinedine Zidane headbutting Materazzi in the chest,even tough Materazzi did his fucking job and made sure Zinedine Zidane was such a fucking……he was so emotional that he would respond to someone mentioning his sister in a sexual way,that it would provoke him to make a offence that’d make him get sent off, so fucking hell yeah to Materazzi,cause he fucking knew,Zinedine Zidane was such a fucking hot head that he’d get himself sent off if his sister was mentioned,so fuck yeah Materazzi, he might be a complete cunt but you know how to play th-
Lol, i have no idea where that tangent came from,like not in the slightest but i’m on it and this is only the first message about this. I again repeat myself so fucking much it’s not even funny. This would be a couple of paragraphs if i never retraced my steps.
No.5 @ 4:28
…..he knew that Zinedine Zidane would overreact,because that was his nature and what Materazzi decided to do was that he’d go after his FAMILY,he’d go after his family to get him to REACT,isn’t that fucking crazy! He’d analyzed him so much that he knew he could get him agitated if he went after his family cause he wouldn’t be thick skinned enough if someone mentioned his sister in a sexual way, so what Materazzi did was when Zinedine Zidane came over to him he started marking him by pulling and dragging on his shirt to make sure nobody could pass to him, and Zinedine Zidane said “oh you obliviously like my shirt so much,why don’t you fucking have it,” and Materazzi, this complete cunt but this complete mastermind said “No i don’t want your shirt id rather have your sister,” and Zinedine Zidane,you can see it in the video!,you can see it in the video, he steps away, decides hes gonna hurt this cunt,steps away and then comes back and headbutts the cunt in the chest.So then Materazzi then falls to the ground like he’s some house of cards,he dissolves into the fucking grass!,he’s so hurt but he’s done what he’s meant to do, he’s dragged this lion out of his den and this lion is then shot into the ground, that he’s been sent off in this world cup final, and MATERAZZI FUCKING SCORES THE EQUALIZER IN THE FUCKING GAME,that sends it to extra time,Materazzi this complete CUNT!,this complete cunt of a player,i think he player for like Inter Milan, and A.C Milan fans fucking hated this guy cause he was a complete cunt, this dirty and unsportsmanlike complete cunt, who’d play every game and he’d get on the fans nerves and he was so good at what he did that he was picked for his national team and he did the same dirty shit to other national teams and it fucking worked! They won a World Cup! A World Cup of all things! Italy. 2006. The first time they won it since like, i’m gonna say the 60’s, such a fucking good time for Italian football. (*Burp) I’m sorry, i know you say don’t apologize but maybe this is a different type of apology, i’m sorry in case you say don’t be sorry,but i’m sorry because burping into a mic isn’t the best thing to do but i’m still sorry and i hope you can forgive me for that. But yeah Materazzi this absolute cunt of a human being, gets to this final………. and i don’t know if you’ve ever played this but it’s this thing were like there’s these like….. hexagons
Wow,just wow. These tangents man, i have no idea where this tangent came from,i read and listen to it back again and again and i still don’t have any idea where this split second 180* thought process comes in, one second im on about how me being drunk doesn’t discredit it my feelings and the next i’m on this whole rant about Zinedine Zidane. Like Christ i must’ve been dropped when i was a child. Moving on……
No.6 @ 4:30 AM
………..so you have to make sure you’re maneuvering you’re way around so you don’t fall, and i don’t know cause it’s such a fucking stupid game, it’s so dumb, it’s a children’s game but oh god does it feel so god winning the cunting thing,cause it’s so good.But y’know what it’s not as good as seeing you message me in the morning cause get it, cause i’m so sappy hah, i’m so fucking sappy, i love seeing you message me, i love it, it makes my day, it makes my fucking day, i really don’t know how to end this ,i really don’t know how to end this, i don’t want to say that i love you Autumn cause that’d be fucking weird but i fucking like you Autumn cause that’s the position were in, i fffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff…..ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff
Much shorter one,but that doesn’t mean it’s less moronic,in case you were clueless(god i hate that fucking film),in case you were clueless i transition from talking about the world cup “final” to the “final” stage of Fall Guys,this completely dumb but rewarding little game. I almost stepped on the land mine of saying that i loved this certain someone but again at least there’s still a few brain cells keeping the logic lights on in my hollow skull of mine. Next message……
No.7 @ 4:33 AM
fffffffff fucking like you _ cause you’re ffffffffffffffffffffffffff…. ffffffffffffffffucking amazing and i hope everyone on this fucking island, i hope everyone on this fucking planet, i hope everyone in this fucking galaxy, i hope everyone in this fucking universe knows how much of an amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing amazing person you are, i’ve thrown up a little but i’ve cleaned it up, i’ve told you that, i’ve told you that on numerous occasions but fucking hell you’re amazing and i’m not bullshitting, i’m not bullshitting i swear to christ i’d tell you if i was bullshitting or not, you are sooo fucking beautiful,so fucking beautiful, i wouldn’t say that if i didn’t mean it in the slightest, you are fucking beautiful,in every sense of the word,you look up beautiful and you know what you’d find in the dictionary? Not a picture of you but the definition of the word beautiful,which you fucking are! You fucking are the definition of beautiful, and i fucking…i know i’m saying fuck alot,i know i’m saying fuck alot and as a catholic boy i know i’m going to hell, i’ve already told you this. But i hope everyone on this fucking planet sees you as this……..behemoth is not the word, i hope everyone sees you as the star you are,cause you deserve it,you deserve it, you fucking deserve it cause you’re so fucking good,so fucking good. You’re story is so fucking funny,so fucking funny, i can’t even replicate it cause its so fucking good, you just come up with these things and i go “Oh fuck i wish i’d thought of that” but no i cant cause you’ve fucking done it.
Lot of repetition repetition in this one but positive repetition. I will add that the “look up beautiful in the dictionary” part is an altered quote from ‘Kiss Kiss Bang Bang’, great film check it out,here’s the original…..
No.8 @ 4:36 AM
Okay i have no idea when the last part cut out, but i’m just gonna continue on,i don’t give a ffuck what anyone says on this planet, i’d defend you to the high hills, the high hills of Lisdoonavarna ( i begin to sing the chorus of Lisdoonvarna by Christy Moore), does Lisdonnavarna even have hills? I don’t know but i’d defend you to wherever the fuck there’s hills cause you deserve it cause you’re fucking amazing, i haven’t though this way about a girl in fucking forever, but you are this pinnacle,this fucking top tier pinnacle. God my head is all over the place there’s no way id be able to commentate a GAA match, i’ll leave that to the dry cunts, i hope you’re doing well, i’ve texted my thoughts on what we are,actually i haven’t told anybody what we have except my good friend Matthew, whose really fucking supportive, and you’d like Matthew, he’s like you in a lot of ways, he’s direct and doesn’t take any shit and he’ll tell you what he thinks whether you like it or not, and he’s so fucking good,such a good friend and that’s what i like about you as well, because i’m not this amazing person but if you see me and think “yeah i could spend some time with him,” i’ll give you the fucking moon,cause you fucking deserve it, deserve it. I’m so fuucking druunk.
Never never nevernevernevernevernevernevernevernever never ever never in all my days have i been more traumitized by my own voice as i was discovering that at half 4 in the morning i was singing lisdoonvarna, and i don’t even know the words i was just drunkenly singing it, scarred for life.
No.9 @ 4:38 AM
So drunk, it’s like what like 4 minutes to 5, i’ve probably spent like 45 minutes talking and in between all these messages there like 5 to 10 minutes where it wasn’t even picked up,did i tell you i threw up? I kinda threw up,i cleaned it up anyway, i cleaned it up cause that’s the person i am,clean up after your own mess.(*Sigh) This has been fun huh? So fucking fun, i hope you’re having a fucking good time Autumn. God i’m so fucking langers.
Not much to add here really *Sigh*
No.10 @ 4:38 AM
(Pressed a previous voice note) “He’d go after his family!.”
No.11 @ 4:43 AM
I pressed one of the voice messages accidentally and it’s just me going on about Zinedine Zidane and Materazzi, i sound so over the top but i might sound interesting, i don’t fucking know but all i know is that i’m going to bed now. This night has been so good because i know there’s potential for something between you and me and maybe its just you leading me on, maybe i don’t know but the thought that there’s something that could be established is so fucking good, it’s like a gold mine, a gold mine, so much shit that we’re left to discover, we could unearth this amazing thing between us, but that’s enough from me.I hope you’re having a good time, i hope the new millennium is treating you well cause it ain’t treating me well. I’ve thrown up,i think i’ve already said that. I’ve cleaned it up but i think i’ve already said that to………… Why the fuck would spurs buy that Southampton cunt? It doesn’t make any sense. But anyway,hope to talk to you in the morning. It’s been a good time but i need to go to sleep. Goodnight, God bless. (Some sort of alarm/ringing goes off on my phone) What the fuck is that,no idea? What is that noise? Fuck off,okay i’m going to stop while this noise is going off cause i have no idea what this is,fuck! i really like you , fuck i’m so drunk but again drunk body, sober mind, i mean everything i say. I hope you have fun listening to all this cause it’s probably a good laugh but i might be fucking traumatizing for me but fuck that cause i’m not gonna be ashamed for liking you and fuck anybody that’d make me feel ashamed for liking you, i don’t know who they are but fuck, you’re fucking amazing ,absolutely fucking amazing. I hope everyone you know by the end of their days knows that you, Autumn whatever the fuck you’re middle nameKelly are fucking fantastic. Goodnight, God bless have a good fucking day, and don’t kill anybody.
Good on drunk me,fuck yeah, i might be a bit embarrassed for a few things i said, but i’m not going to feel bad or ashamed for it.
No.12 @ 4:44 AM
I’m just gonna sign off again, fuck i love this, i love going back and forth with you, even when making fun of each other or massively shit talking each other, i just love going back and forth cause you’re so good.Fuck everyone else,fuck Jack Lynch and the Fianna Fail Government, i couldn’t give a fuck about those cunts,what i care most about is you and that’s the simple fucking truth.
Ended like a true poet lol
So yeah,12 messages with god knows how many “fucks” and “amazing’s” and good’s” and “beautiful’s.” I’m glad i have this experience, i’m semi-proud of what i said and stand by every word of it,to be honest i could of said a lot worse,but that might just be sober Seán talking, and in all seriousness fuck that guy. All my homies hate Sober Seán.
If you read this all, all i have to say is why? Don’t you have something better to do? That’s it, this is the end of the post.
Such has been the life of the football professor himself, Marcelo Bielsa.
Born into a incredibly wealthy family, Marcelo had every and all opportunities to pursue any occupation,given his brother and sister both served as high ranking politicians in Argentina,his brother especially, being Argentina’s minister for foreign affairs in the mid 2000s. An avid reader since childhood,Marcelo paired his eternal quest for knowledge with his passion,football. Growing up supporting Newells old boys(specifically because his father supported Newells rivals), he almost threw away his chance of representing his beloved Newells when he was kicked out of Newells accommodation after refusing to allow his motorcycle be kept outside. His resilience and desire to represent Newells would come true in 1975,aged 20. Bielsa soon realized that he wasn’t psychically good enough to be as good as he wanted. Realizing this,Bielsa retired aged 25 to pursue education. He studied Physical education at university, at which time he became the manager of the university team. The nature he would become famous for,relentless analysis was present from the start. Analyzing 3,000 male students to handpick 25 players for his team.
In his younger days
Bielsa’s fundamental ideals when it comes to his style of play,stems from not only for Total Football and the great Dutch sides of the 70’s, but César Luis Menotti and Carlos Bilardo, who both individually managed Argentina to world cup glory in 1978 and 86 respectively. His fundamental ideals are football and how it’s played is a series of patterns,therefore having enough knowledge of said pattern makes the solution to every situation predictable. Therefore you can train your players to react to the situation that are a result of the pattern.
César Luis Menotti
Carlos Bilardo
Bielsa became a youth coach at Newells,soon after becoming manager of the first team in 1990,he would win his boyhood club a league title in his first year as manger,squashing the doubts that many critics,even within his players had about his ability as a coach
Newells 1990 title celebration
Marcelo Bielsa’s strives for nothing but total devotion,no compromises from his players,setting weight and running targets. Players that don’t push themselves to the maximum are useless in his eyes,they are unplayable. His relentless pushing of his players to physical demands,as some past players of Bielsa have said “requires faith, he punishes you but you understand, you have faith in him, like some kind of cult leader.”
His tough love when it comes to players can be seen in his arrival as manager of Espanyol in 1998. He asked Mauricio Pochettino(who had played under bielsa at Newells) “what score he would give his performance last season out of 10,” Pochettino who had become a star for Espanyol,wanted to appear modest and said “a 8/10” bielsa disagreed saying “you’ve been shit and if you ever play like that again you’ll never play for me or Argentina again,” pochettino shocked by the words of his beloved mentor, drove home in tears.
Bielsa speaking with Pochettino
But going back to his time with Newells old boys, Bielsa’s toughest moment in his career came in February 1992, when Newells lost 6-0 to San Lorenzo in a Copa Libertadores group game. Bielsa left the stadium without saying a world,drove home and as he recounts “Turned off all the lights,closed every curtain, and realized the true meaning of an expression we sometimes use lightly,I want to Die.” Bielsa pondered whether his core beliefs and morals of football was infact incorrect,because if not, how come he could lose a game by this much if he’d gone so far in his research? The answer to this for Bielsa was simple,he simply hadn’t gone far enough.
His reinstated devotion to his own belief system would be reinforced months later, when Newells met San Lorenzo in the Quarter Finals, with Newells walking away with a 4-0 victory. Bielsa’s final game in charge of Newells was the 1992 Copa Libertadores final against Sao Paolo, which Newells lost on penaltys. Bielsa who had become exhausted (much like his players) by coaching the team he supported since childhood, into his own style of play, resigned after this. Newells’ stadium is now named after him.
Newells love for El Loco continues to this day
Bielsa managed in mexico for a few years before moving back to Argentina to manage Velez Sarsfield,he brought 51 video tapes to his interview detailing his research of Velez players and opposition, he guided Velez to a league title in 1998,his only season in charge. He moved to Espanyol but only took charge of 6 games until he was appointed as manager of the Argentina National Team. A tenure that last 7 years,which saw a unlucky exit in the 2002 World Cup,to eventual winner Brazil. He did lead Argentina with players like Carlos Tevez and Javier Mascherano to Gold at the 2004 Olympics in Athens,Argentina’s last major honor. After 14 exhausting years as a manager,he took a break from management.
Bielsa celebrating national success
His hiatus ended in 2007,becoming the coach of the Chilean National team, a period which saw Bielsa re-imagine Chilean football with the likes of Arturo Vidal becoming a mainstay,he took Chile to the Round of 16 at the 2010 World Cup,Chile’s best result in the competition since 1962. He eventually left in 2011,but his legacy and brand of play continued,which saw Chile win their first Copa America in 2015,under a style of football Bielsa imprinted.
Bielsa moved to Atletic Bilbao in 2011,his interview saw him bring a colour coded assessment of every single Bilbao game in the previous season. His demanding style took it’s time to take affect on the squad but it started to take affect before the end of the year with Bilbao enjoying an amazing 2nd half of the season,which saw them trash Manchester United in the 2011/2012 Europa league Semi-finals. But as is now the stigma around Marcelo Bielsa, it seemed he physicaly and mentally ran his players into the ground before the season ended,with Bilbao suffering two cup final loses. One to Atletico Madrid in the Europa League Final, and to Barcelona in the Copa Del Rey final. Barcelona’s manager, Pep Guardiola,a student of Bielsa’s. Bielsa gave him his report of Barcelona. Guardiola read the report and uttered “You know more about my team,than i do.” Bilbao would sell their best players at the end of Bielsa’s first season,much to his disappointment,these sales meant Bilbao enjoyed a more lackluster second season with Bielsa. With the board ultimately unwilling to renew Bielsa’s contract.
Since Bilbao, the stigma that Bielsa pushes his players to the limit,until they run out of energy just before the end of the season has stuck with him since. Bielsa responding to this drop off saying “if players weren’t human,i would never lose.”
What followed then was a string of job that did no favours in squashing the stigma. Tenures at Marseilles and Lille again showcased seasons that started promising but dropped off dramatically as Bielsa’s squad failed to cope with his physical and mental benchmarks. His time at Lazio was an odd exception, but not that it went right, Bielsa resigned just 2 days after taking the job, remarking that the board hadn’t been truthful in their recruitment,lying about the type of players they could pursue.
In 2018 however, a match was made in heaven. Marcelo Bielsa was contacted and agreed to become the new manger of Leeds United. A regular work permit couldn’t be supplied,so Bielsa had to pass the Exceptional talent board, which required a reference from a professional within the game, his student Mauricio Pochettino wrote on his behalf, and soon enough, Bielsa was ready to undertake one of the hardest jobs in football,getting Leeds promoted to the Premier League.
Leeds United being historically one of the biggest teams in England. However financial troubles in the early 2000s meant that Leeds decline was just beginning,they were relegated in 2004 from the Premier League to the championship(2nd Division) and a few years later were relegated again to League One(3rd Division). Debts had seen a footballing empire crumble in Leeds,their ever passionate and loyal supporters however stuck with them all the way. Leeds like Bielsa in this time had developed an idea of falling at the final hurdle, that they would get closer and closer to their return to the Premier League but they would always slip at the end.
Leeds players watch on as their club crumbles from beneath them
Leeds under Bielsa were a force to be reckoned with,bielsa steam rolled the championship and was top at Christmas. Not without controversy. In January,at a Derby Country training session, a individual was spotted outside the training ground with a note book,a pen and a pair of binoculars. His purpose? Simple, he had been sent by Bielsa to document what Derby country were doing in training. A spy in the midst. SpyGate.
Leeds fans saw the funny side
Faces were shocked, outrage was sparked and Marcelo Bielsa decided to hold an emergency press conference following this scandal. But,what was considered by insider journalists to be a press conference were in by Bielsa would announce his resignation, El Loco did the opposite. Giving an almost 2 hour talk, Marcelo outlined every single piece of data that he had about Derby County and how their manager Frank Lampard was going to play. Excel spreadsheets,pdfs, powerpoints,video,dozens of hours,all put in to prepare for one match,a match that didn’t serve any sort of added importance. This is just how Bielsa operates. He explained that he sends spies to every next opponent,not because it’ll give him a decisive edge, but because it will lower his anxiety. His obsessive habits when it comes to football can be showcased in various examples, when asked how’d he spend Christmas day, he responded by saying he’s exercise for 2 hours and watch 14 hours of football. Bielsa encouraged his father in law to watch and document games for him while on holiday with his family, he spent a weekend during Covid-19 lockdown by watching 19 hours of a academy prospect Alfie McCalmont, to see how good he really was. He is without doubt that most knowledgeable football mind there has ever been.
Some of that press conference
But as was prediction of every doubter about Bielsa at Leeds,the dream of promotion fell away at the final stretch. Missing out on automatic promotion,Leeds if they were to go up, would need to do it in a way they have failed time and time again at, the Playoffs.
Before the playoffs however, Bielsa and Leeds would be involved in one of the most bizarre events of the footballing year. It’s common sportsmanship knowledge that if a player from one team goes down with a nasty injury, the opposing team will stop playing to allow treatment to take place and not use a potential injury to their advantage, thus was not the case when Aston Villa came to Elland Road. A villa player suffered a potential head injury but even as Leeds were kicking the ball out of play, Mateusz Klich didn’t get the memo, who used the lack of play from the villa players to score a goal for Leeds,which created uproar amongst fans,players and coaching staff. Bielsa seeing the lack of sportsmanship from his team as disgraceful told his players to allow Aston Villa to score straight away, all of which comply except Pontus Jansson who is the only Leeds player trying to stop it from happening. This bizarre act of sportsmanship earned Marcelo Bielsa and Leeds United the FIFA Fair Play Award.
But unfortunately it would be the only thing they would win that season, after beating Frank Lampard’s Derby County in the 1st leg,Leeds were ultimately eliminated after an inspired comeback from Derby.
Derby would have the last laugh in SpyGate…..for now.
Leeds would be spending another season in the championship.
The second season was much like the first,the loans of Ben White,Helda Costa,Eddie Nketiah and Jack Harrison were welcome inprovements. Pontus Jansson who was the only player to not comply with Bielsa’s methods last season was given the boot to rivals Brentford. Bielsa’s impact on the playing squad has been so profound that Leeds youngster Jamie Shackelton has already started learning his coaching badges at age 19,decades before players usually undertake the course. There was only one difference the second season under bielsa, there was no drop off this time. Bielsa reinforced his ideas in his labored squad and they repaid him with their full commitment,a commitment and a drive from Bielsa that finally secured after 16 long years, Leeds’ promotion back to the Premier League as Championship Champions,Leeds first trophy since the 1st Division title in 1992, and Marcelo Bielsa first winners medal since his Gold at the 2004 Olympics.
“A man with new ideas is mad. Until he succeeds”
But now he has succeeded,the story of Marcelo Bielsa is far from over, his arrival to the Premier League with Leeds of all clubs will be a heavily watched,documented and discussed period to come. But whether or not Bielsa ends his career in Success or failure is a question that cannot be answered now, what is undeniable however that one of the most respected,influential,honest and nicest individual to ever grace the sport, can close a chapter of his career that has brought so much success and idolization from so many, no individual is as deserving as this success as him. Whatever happens with Bielsa and Leeds in the premier league, will take nothing away from the glorious two years he spent with Leeds in the Championship, whatever happens,Marcelo Bielsa is, now and forever will be a Legend to so many, now you can add every Leeds United supporter to that list. A long list of people that will forever see and remember him as the great mind he is,the ever driven professional, the ever obsessed academic,the ever crazy…..
This blog isn't about fashion,sorry. 