This is impromptu, i thought about this today for the first time in years, it hit hard, part due to how old the memory is, and how it is quite nostalgic in the “oh my god, I’ve always been like this” sort of way, the type that keeps you awake at night, it is 1.40 in the morning, but i’m not trying to sleep, so this instance can be struck from the tally, it’s actually quite long without this one, i really should see someone about it, do you know someone?
So, the memory
It’s 2004 or 2005, i’m 5, and it’s a junior infants classroom. The same one where i said something mean that’s mean to a 5 year old, under my breath to Cherise L, but as subtle as i can be, she heard it and took it upon herself to resent me for the rest of primary school, until she mocking proposed to me aged 12 and got the rest of the class for what felt like the next few months to play along in one mad joke, we even used a colours day to have a mock celebration, it was a sweet and heart-warming time, so yknow, always looking to take on responsibilities when i can’t handle them, i can barely handle this blog. I also remember the junior infants room for having this thick heating pipe that was exposed under the windows, i lent back too much one day, smacked my head off the pipe and ended up with the chair on top of me.
But to the central story, i don’t know how to cycle a bike, never needed to, everyone, everything and everywhere was less than an hour away so why bother, and having a decent transportation services, only compounded that later. Many of my friends did know they’re way around a peddle???? idk
So, in that department at least, complete clueless. One day, just before break, a question in our school book, was the prompt ‘Draw a bike’, and we were told by Ms Gelese (i think her name was), as soon as we had drawn it, we could go out to the yard early and have a longer break, “cool-a-boo-la” i thought, “this is simple, wheels, handles, seat, ahhh peddels, ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, bell, ahhhhhhhhh wait how do they all fit together, what does the rest of a bike look like?????”
The fact that quite quickly the room was empting, did not help “how am i not getting this…..even Daniel M and Bino T are gone(placeholder names).” Soon everyone had gone, even the teacher, the lights were turned off, i was panicking “they must know i’m still in here, they must think i’m stupid, laughing at me” i drew, rubbed out and redrew that fucking bike so many times i made a hole in the page.
Someone, i believe Liam De K, came back in because he forgot his lunch and asked why i was still here, i can’t remember what lie i said because i certinaly wasn’t going to admit the truth. He shortly left and i returned to my next attempt at sketching a fucking bike, and after a long time, i gave up, left the last attempt there, i didn’t care if Ms Gelese thought it was bad at this point, i just wanted to go out in the yard, gathered my lunch left, walked down the steps to the yard, and didn’t even finish a sentence before the bell rang and everyone started running past to get back to their amazing drawings, pricks.
I hadn’t thought about that memory in years, the best part of a decade. And what was strange about it was how much it resembled parts of myself today, almost the earliest memory of a pinpointed set of actions where I knew what i was feeling and could convey it, the anxiety, the overthinking the imagining of impending embarrassment. It was all there, nearly 20 years since that fucking prompt, it’s actually quite funny that that seed of shit wouldn’t develop fully for another decade. Like spotting a dropping of a hint of a twist in the first act, like ahhhhhh i see what they did there, they knew what was coming, wait till he get’s to the lighter story, that’ll really kick him down(not to get all omg my life is soo crazy it’s like a film xDDDD).
Part of this is also and i must stress this, it being almost 2 decades removed, being able to spot how crazy those feelings were and how often i let them fester, that “cmon, i was feeling like this in my early 20’s the same way i processed this in my early 00’s” it was a moment of huh i’m better than i was, which is always a great feeling.
Maybe i did hit my head too hard off that pipe huh
PS – In the time after she proposed (i thought it was very sweet aswell, it was like an arts n crafts class and we were learning how to make little boxes out of the Christmas cards we had all given each other. And the boxes did look like the box a engagement ring comes in, so i see her idea), there was this time where the substitute teacher put on cars fucking 2 of all films, it was so bad i didnt even get in the big semi circle and watch in on the projector, i sat at the back of the class in my seat, the original don’t they know i’m pritt sticking Fernando Torres into my copybook, when someone asked the teacher if she had a boyfriend, she said “yeah, we’re getting married”
My head dropped into my hands, i knew it was coming, i was pre-empting the embarra – SEAN AND CHERISE ARE GETTING….
I couldn’t look up, it was physically cringing.
I still keep the box she proposed to me with in my sock drawer, it’s a nice shot of earnestness to the heart every so often when it appears.
This blog isn't about fashion,sorry. 