Would it even make a difference?

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It’s been too long, far too long since i just did this……..but what it this?

Well, why i’ve stayed devoted in posting here for so long is that i just wanted a space, a way of expressing,of laying out my thoughts and what i’m stressing about from one week to the next. I’ve grossly unperformed in terms of keeping this blog a routinely updated piece of content. Under performed in a sense that not only do i feel i’ve not worked enough through lockdown, in writing that is, i’ve kept busy doing, learning and exploring avenues that have resulted in some positive aspects, i can say i’m returning to college with a bit more skills under my belt. I’ve come nowhere near close in what i wanted to accomplish, due partly to the setting of goals way to high, annnnd it set them on a whim without having much idea how i was going to learn said skills.

So in that aspect i feel like i’ve wasted time that would’ve been better off used elsewhere. So there’s that.

I’ve also been a bit down on myself lately, mainly due to over analyisng a few to many thoughts. I think the post where i first referenced what i’m about to talk about, i think the post posted on June 1st, where i casually mention that i’ve started messaging someone i’d met online. The same individual that the post with the voice notes transcriptions. That person.

So here’s the deal

I love it,i really do. Its a pleasure, she’s a pleasure. I think we get along so well, and she’s even said that she really enjoys talking to me. But very recently i’ve just(either through repetitive analysis or some other things i’ll mention)… i just don’t feel it, i don’t feel what i felt the second time she messaged me and i remember thinking “Ohhhh she’s……..she’s got it” Her fucking sardonic reply was all that was needed and that was it for about 100 days. I was just as eager to reply as i was the first time she messaged me,but very recently i’ve just become less enthusiastic and i’m not sure why. I have ideas but none seem to fit so far. I just felt like the last few days that i’m talking to her, not because i want to but because i don’t want stop dead. Every conversation ends with “talk to you tomorrow” or something to the equivalent. And it always has continued(for the vast majority). We can talk about anything, that’s a main joy i got and continue to get from it. That i never knew quite exactly where it’d end up. With most people i feel that i can almost telegraph the back and forth and as a result i just don’t enjoy talking to those people, but with her…. i’ll give you an example, she made a joke about running a cult back in like june. It was funny, we laughed and we moved on, fast forward to last week and i off the cuff through it out again, it landed,but the strange thing was, was that it led to like a 3-4 hour discussion about the morality of Work Unions and whether they’re a benefit or a hazard, and i fucking loved that, the transition from two complete opposite ends of the spectrum, a back and forth where we’re trying to one up the other’s joke to a dead serious discussion about Workers unions, and rights and so on and so forth. I don’t mean this in weird or sexual way,but she just scratches this itch,this mental itch i have. It’s so pleasurable, so much so i went back for more,everyday for 100 days.

But now, i simply don’t know why i’m not as eager. Because we never run out of things to talk about. Just when i think we are, we get sidetracked and boom we’ve all this material to get through. I mentioned that what we could potentiality have a gold mine, in one of my voice messages. And i said it with reason,because just as i think this thing is just out of gold,i find a speck that leads to a nugget and the process of begins all over again,extracting all golden moments as i can.

I’ve always held the assumption that i’m getting played,even when we first started talking i was for sure convinced she was a catfish, because it was just to good to be true and while that assumption has been squashed, i still hold a similar sentiment, that just as i said when i first mentioned this, i still(even now) wouldn’t bet on this becoming anything more than it is right now. Even thought i brought it up and we both expressed sentiment that we’d like things to progress into something in the future. I have that same feeling i did with the catfish. That it’s just too good to be true. I’m not oblivious to the fact that i’m probably not the only one she’s messaging that have a similar thing going, because it’s impossible that i’m the only one,because she’s just so attractive,in more ways than one, and even that isn’t doing her justice. I just get this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that keeps reminding me ” It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true It’s too good to be true” That it will end eventually in rejection in some way or another, because to put it simply, it always does. That for a brief moment i’ve thought that this could transpire into something greater, but as if to knock me down, reality came around and without so much as a mere touch,cut me into little pieces.

And the worst part about it is that i’ve done this myself, she hasn’t let on an inch, a speck of truth about any of this, quite the opposite. And that’s what i hate most, that yet again the architect for my downfall is me, again!

So what now? I guess i’ll come to terms to why exactly i’m not as eager as i was even very recently. And even when i snap out of this and go back to her, if i just imagine a scenario where i was able to get a 100% honest view from her regarding what i’m currently dealing with, even if she assured me that all of my nonsense thoughts, were infact nonsense, it would just then point to the question that i’m too afraid to now the answer to, that i’m the problem,i’m this toxic, jealous and envious cunt that can never be happy with what i’ve got and are willing to piss away the relationships i’ve made off the back of some shit that i wouldn’t be able to just let go.

Because i’m afraid that even she did assure me that what i think isn’t true and that i am at the end of the day just lying to myself for being happy.