In the summer of 2001, Rapper and star of 2004’s Barbershop 2: Back in Business, Eve Jihan Jeffers Cooper,also known simply as EVE,released her single “Let me blow Ya Mind,” where distinguished poet Dame Gwenth of the Stefani’s utters the line “It’s only been a year,it took me a while to get here and i’m gonna take my tiiiiiIIIIiiime.” Couldn’t have put it better myself Gwen.
So,today, the 10th (or at the time of writing, tomorrow) marks 1 year since Antoinette Massey,sadly passed away. I talked about my feelings and utter grief in losing such a pure person, who was quickly becoming a good friend of mine. I don’t want to repeat what I’ve said already,so i’ll link the previous post where i discuss my thoughts and feelings in depth, here
What i wan to do here is that,i want to reflect a little bit and add some information that I’ve learned in the 365 days since she sadly passed on.
I still think about her often,what gets me the most is song lyrics,open ended lines that could be ascribed to anyone but feels just right for her,and what i think of her. I did a little digging a handful of months back and stumbled across her old Ask.fm page.
It was both a gaze into an extra glimpse of a person whose tiny mannerisms and eye movements have been internal burned into my mind through over remembrance. So it was on the one hand, a final goodbye,like a final letter from a pen pal,or a unanswered voice message for a deceased loved one. There’s something so pure and untouched about it. A list of answers frozen in time,answers given by someone who at the time was slowly distancing herself away from her past problems. I view these Ask.fm answers the same way Holden Caulfield thinks of the exhibits in the Natural history museum. That it doesn’t matter how many times you return to it, or through what lens you view them through,they will always be the same,set in stone. The only thing that’ll change, is me.
But i did come away with some negatives from the Ask.fm answers. A common theme of her answers revolve around her affection towards her boyfriend. Read them and you’ll see,she was crazy about him. Which gave, the fact the boyfriend later dumped her through the phone,so much more weight. They broke up towards the end of the summer. And she was gone just over a month later,if i remember correctly. Just as she found her ticket from the dark side,she ultimately found herself let go,only to start slipping back towards her past mental problems.
And i want to acknowledge that i’m no way implying i know the full picture. I more certainly will never know. But putting another piece in the jigsaw puzzle is at the same time,rewarding and deflating.
I can’t even fathom the idea of one of my current classmates taking the same road as Antoinette. Much like with Antoinette,i held respect every single of my classmates,at the very minimum. But the good friends i carved out of this. I just wouldn’t,i couldn’t be able to stomach the idea of losing Xan, Sadhbh, Mark,Ellen,James and especially Caleb. They, whether they know it or not have been pivotal in the most trans formative/progressive year in my life. I would not be the same person without them. I’m so grateful i’m not who i was 4 or 3 years ago, or even 18 months ago. The access course prepared me but for the path I’ve been on recently, i couldn’t wish for better people on my side.
I can’t remember who said it but they said the best way to see how much you’ve evolved as a person is to look back at your younger self and if you see it as a cringy mess,then you know you’ve grown,you’re matured enough now to not only accept that what you did was wrong, but more importantly why you thought it was good idea at the time.
But at the same time,as happy and eternally grateful for my last year of my life, it again comes back to Antoinette, because if someone as undeserving of a second chance as me. I still have no idea how i got selected for the access course,how was i better than the hundreds of applicants. I for sure got the lowest LC points out of everyone,100% positive.
But i’m given this chance. And she wasn’t,yes she got selected for the access course as well, and yes she passed it the same as me, and yes she even started her course at the same time that i did. What i’m trying to get at, is it will forever live with me the notion that(and i know everyone’s struggle is different,i wouldn’t for one second accuse ANYBODY for not dealing with their emotional/mental problems as good as someone else,so i’m not making that point,Antoinette went through as much and greater turmoil mentally, than me. And if mine are almost unbearable it almost brings me to tears just imagining knowing she was walking around with much more anguish than i was,and still i couldn’t see it.),it will forever live with me the notion that,it was entirely possible that she was so close to finding as good a bunch of caring and encouraging friends in her course,as i did in mine. That’s an assumption,and a big one at that. But i’ll never know if that assumption is true or not.
I’ve barked on about this topic for much longer than should, the facts are that i knew Antoinette for only 9 months. I’m in no position to be the leading voice on her life,because simply i just don’t know enough. Her family,relatives,closest friends and lovers, will undoubtedly have much more to say in every respect about her, and what kind of person she was.
But i can only speak from what i knew of her. That for 9 months she was someone i immensely looked up to(even though she was only a width of a hair over 5ft), i admired nearly everything about her,i was at times envious of her. She left me in stitches from laughter and because of where she’s from,if i ever got in an argument with her she probably would’ve left me in stitches as well.
I still miss her everyday and i won’t be the only one remembering her today, a day that happens to be the World Suicide Prevention Day. For what ever happens to me,what friends make, for what love i find, for how i treat others, and for how i’m remembered by all that knew me,every positive that might come from their mouths, i owe all that to meeting a friend,whose passing made me completely altered my life,a friend that shall forever be a role model in my life,whose memory will be with me til the day i die. I miss you everyday Antoinette,i still can’t believe you’re gone.
She was tough
She was brave
She was strong
She was hilarious
She was comforting
She was sweet
She was kind
She was beautiful
She was unapologetic
She was a friend
She was a niece
She was a sister
She was a daughter
She was a light in my life
She was a one of a kind
She was Antoinette Massey
She was…..
R.i.p Antoinette Massey
Seán
This blog isn't about fashion,sorry. 