Join the Q

Now, i don’t what this to be misconstued into anything greater than it actualy is,nothing has changed as of yet and the way to world is right now, i doubt there’ll be any change for the forseable future. So to kick off what i’m about to discuss,i guess i’ll start it with what sounds like a broken record at this point……”I told mark.”

I told mark on the very last day of the normal world,March 12th,the day we,the nation went into lockdown. I knew that this was likley the last time i’d see him in person for a while so i decided to walk with him on his way home,we talked about our future and pondered what the next few months would be like.

And while we were walking i decided to bring up a question he asked me and caleb not 3 hours earlier, that of “Is there anyone we fancy at the moment and if so who?”

Now this wasn’t an odd question for him to ask me,throughout both semesters we’d disclosed stories to each other about our relations,our stories mostly ended with unsuccessful outcomes,that “she just wasn’t interested…..she have a boyfriend…..etc etc” but just like jokes it doesn’t matter if 9 out of 10 times it falls flat,the 1 out of ten makes it all worth it. I can’t speak for mark but damn college girls have been good to me

So when mark asked me the question “Is there anyone we fancy at the moment and if so who?” i didn’t respond,even though there was and he knows who this person is. I didn’t speak up because (and i hate to say this because he’s such a good friend) i didn’t feel comfortable saying it in front of caleb. So when we were alone i told him, what i’m about to tell you.

That for the the last 3 months I’ve started to question whether i’m as straight as i thought i was.

Now i’m getting into some risky territory here,so i wont be disclosing any information about who i’m attracted to because i’m still working it out and i don’t what them involved in a matter they more than likley haven’t a clue about. I’m sure for anyone whether that be an L,a G,a B,a T or even my fellow Q’s, every one of them has gone through what i’m feeling right now,that a unbreakable truth that has been set in stone for so many years, has just now witnessed a crack.

And for the first 20 years of my life it was an uncontested,immovable fact. My first crush was of the opposite sex,my first kiss, first arousal, first relationship, first “I Love You”,first sexual experience,first time i had sex, they were all with the opposite sex.

I remember when i was 15 i mocked this boy behind his back at my school because he’s just come out as gay. For a short space and time,we were close and here he was,out of the closet. I couldn’t believe it,”He can’t be gay,because i know him,i’m just like him” well i guess after all these years,i guess i just might be. With each passing thought and question i feel worse and worse for not being there for him in a tough time.

Now if this Q phase progresses into anything further then this, my bet would be i’d be trading in my Q for a B.

And all of this Q business is because of one dude, i’ve known hundreds of guys, wasn’t attracted to any of them,not one,some are some handsome motherfuckers but i just don’t feel it. When i think of certain women in my life, my BHD levels rise(B-rain.H-eart.D-ick), but never does it get triggered by a guy. And i remember late December,i’m laying in bed because i’d damaged my knee while dancing with a few friends from college as a semester send off. So i’m laying in bed and this guy i know pops into my head and i’m thinking about him and not long after i thought “Oh shit, i’m thinking and feeling things because of this dude,things I’ve never felt before” If i was 100% straight the day before, well now i was 99.999 now,like holy fuck,where did that 0.001% of homosexuality come from.

Yeah it’s been real the last few months, i’m in uncertain times right now persoanly. At least i know my friends will be more accepting of this Seán, than i was to my friend Seán(from school)

Yeah,talk to ye all later

Mind Yourself

Seán