Crushed

A Musophobist is person who mistrusts poetry,do i consider myself one? To an extent, i find with most poetry that the reward ain’t worth the work. There’s poems i think of from time to time but most of the time i’m indifferent,which is fine,from poets everywhere i presume the feeling is mutual. It’s gotten tougher the past year with my acquaintance and later friendship with Caleb Brennan(local poet extraordinaire), because i respect him a great deal,as I’ve said before i look up to him but i’m dissapointted that i find no interest in his favorite interest.

Since last week,and my Q&A post(which i must explain,every question was taken from numerous online Q&A’s) the passage time in the last 7 days has been a passing observer,that is to say my observation of it’s passing has been minimal,the days are just starting to blend into one another. Things that happened two weeks ago feel like they happened yesterday and things from yesterday feel like they happened two weeks ago. My internal clock is bent out of shape,but a broken clock is still……..you get the point.

Not much has happened the last few days,except of course i was reminded of the finest person every to walk this earth.(Massive Simp vibes inbound) A couple of days ago online, i caught a glimpse of Rachel,yknow my childhood crush i mentioned a few posts back. Even after all i’ve been through, my ignorance,wonder and simple mind of my childhood, my cynicism and vindictiveness of my adolescence and my half-baked maturity of the last couple years. There’s been one mainstay, that there isn’t a more beautiful woman on this earth than Rachel. I loved her from the moment a child could fathom such a emotion. A love that throughout my years has been a rock at my core and at the same time a continual stumbling block for my despair.

So much so that i couldn’t take the self loathing i was putting myself through anymore that i made a uncharacteristically brave move and confessed my confession to her.

To this day!, i can still picture her face changing from blissful ignorance to what i was about to say, to her face going scarlet with joyful tears in her eyes.To this day i don’t think i ever said anything as romantic that what i said to Rachel then(and I’ve had a girlfriend since then), i won’t elaborate what happened after i finished my little speech but i’ll just say that in the darkest of dark times, i break out that memory to provide the ultimate pick me up.

My affection towards her has gotten to the stage where i feel it’s best for me to distance myself from her, that it’s better for her to live her life without me because i’d just disappoint her and i don’t want to tarnish the friendship that we have.

We’d spoken off on for a few years but come mid-October last year while exiting a history lecture in the concert hall,there she was,waiting outside one of the halls. We chatted, got coffee and discussed how we both were. Which brings us to now,a quick glimpse of a facebook post brought all the emotions back. I feel uneasily comfortable closing the Rachel chapter of my life. A chapter that has been nothing but positive,which is a rarity. I’ve got other chapters that i want to finish and some i hope are just beginning(how fucking corny is that jesus christ).

In other news, i’m so desperate for football to return that i woke up early to watch the South Korean league,during the week. It wasn’t a great game but it’s been the first live game i’ve watched in over 2 months so i was also fucking fantastic.

Since my last blog i’ve watched:

• Uncut Gems- A anxiety attack of a film, that has a pretty unbelievable Adam Sandler performance as the lead,it’s great 4.5/5
• La La Land-I love musicals,there’s not much better things in art than a great musical 5/5
• The Producers(’67) – Correction,a great comedy that contains a musical 5/5
• The Pursuit of Happyness- Why Will Smith?, why you gotta make me cry 4.5/5
• Space Jam- It’s Space Jam 4/5
• The Princess Diaries- Better than i expected 3/5
• Good Time- Damn Robert Pattinson has had a crazy career 4/5
• The Apartment- There isn’t a better cinematic couple than Jack Lemmon and Shirley MacLaine 5/5
• Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?- It really floored me,just superb in every aspect 5/5
• The Last Dance- As someone who knows next to nothing about basketball this documentary has been such a ride. The production is off the fucking charts. Even if you don’t care about basketball i’d recommend this,it’s just so good(The last 2 episodes get released next Monday) 5/5

That’s it for this week you absolute shower of gowls

Mind Yourself

Seán