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Disclaimer/Edit- Most of these blogs are spur of the moment creations,so some are different depending on what mood i’m in, most are written when i’m in a good mood and some( including this one) were written when i was in a not so good mood. This post is incredibly hyperbolic, they were my thoughts in the present moment. Not my thoughts now or since.

Y’know the past couple weeks,things were looking up,actions were taken and words were said that really were a step forward, a fresh take,a much needed sigh of relief, that hey things aren’t so bad and i am really finishing a chapter of my life that i’m trying desperately to finish…..but nah,things aren’t simple, life isn’t simple and i can always….ALWAYS… rely on one person,one stupid fucking idiot, to always get in the way of making my life better. Who is this horrible,this cruel, this self-centered fuckwit that always is on the lookout to make 100% sure that every good thing that I, Seán Finnan stumble upon is ruined,broken and damaged beyond repair. Well it’s me of course.

Now i could draw up a list of all the people that dislike me,hate me,want nothing to do with me,some of whom i’m sure think i’m one of the worst person they’ve ever met in their lives. But i don’t really give a fuck about those people because the not only is feeling,very much mutual but i’m able to brush off all of these people that hate me because i know, deep the way fuck down inside, that nobody is E-V-E-R going to hate me as much as i hate myself. My hatred toward myself is untouchable, it truly fucking is. I am the worst person i know and that’s saying something. The tiny, minuscule,microscopic list of good features that i posses are all undercut in some way or another. Every. Single. One.

I do good things but for the wrong reasons and when i try to do good things for the right reasons and really try and change, my attempt falls flat on it’s stupid fucking face every single time.

I should buy calanders and see how long it takes my friends to come to the glaringly obvious conclusion that “Hey,i shouldn’t be friends with this person” hey i don’t hold a grudge once they do cause god knows i’d leave me if i could.

Y’know what’s funny, i like to laugh, no , i love to laugh, there’s not a thing on this earth i won’t find a joke in or refuse to laugh at any topic because i have the greatest inspiration, my existence. Years filled with endless amounts of tragic comedy, so much so i remind myself of the best bits now and again, “Remember that time when i was so depressed and disgraced with myself, that i couldn’t look most people in the eye and would contemplate my existence nearly twice a day, y’know last February.”

The negativity towards myself,i store deep the fuck down in myself, like a fine wine ages over time to where it becomes a whole new thing entirely,where the hatred is stored in these hate barrels, but oh no,some stupid prick knocked them over and they’re flooding my mind. My god i’m thankful i’m the only one that can see/feel/whatever the fuck you do with thoughts, cause oh boy i’d be in jail. No joke it’s rotted, it’s not a clean and cozy place, i myself am disgusted with some of thing i think of, like “wow i just thought of that……i’m an excuse for a skeleton”

Annnnnnnnnnnd breath, o-k-a-y. That.Was.Heavy. I get that, for the people i know, who read this,fuck i don’t know what to tell ya. I happy you’re my friends and i’m happy i’m a friend or a close friend of yours because i say this no joke i’m extremely lucky to have as good circle of friends that i have right now, i treasure every one of ye.

I hope, i wish to fucking hope that i am able not to fuck it up this time. I just want 1 year where i feel better than i was the year before, i’m 5 months away from achieving that, will i make it,who knows?

Sooooooo(breakdown over)ooooooooo…what did i get up to this week. I’m glad you didn’t ask because honesty not much. I’m finished 1st year,essay’s submitted. In some odd way, my way of writing essays are like those household budget questions from business. A very linear process that’s incredibly rewarding once you get to the end and everything’s lined up. I’m proud of my essays. Will they get an A1? -are you joking? I did a lot of research for both essays, 2 weeks of reading for each and i though they came together nicely. Nowhere near perfect but good enough to be heading in the right direction. Sent them away and then…..nothing, that last 3 days have been horrible. I was able to get through the last 7 weeks because i had a strict deadlines and a schedule to adhere to but now I’ve got enough free time to drown myself in(As you can see from this post).

I hate having free time, i always want to be doing something but when i get given the time to do anything, i always end up doing nothing, i’m too indecisive that i’ll waste the next 5 months figuring out what side of the toast do i want to put the butter on.

I did have a plan for this time actually, i reckoned 5 months was just enough time to complete the remake for Final Fantasy 7 but discovering that they only released essentially the first 15-20% now and will be breaking up the rest over several parts over the next few years, i checked out immediately. Such an anti-climax after finishing the last 7 weeks of work,that my prize at the end was a lie.

However the week hasn’t been totally in vain, i did stumble upon and watch a film that has come closer than any film to topping Lotr: The Fellowship of the Ring as my favorite ever film. The film i stumbled upon is “Night is Short,Walk on Girl,” i’ll link the trailer at the end but by Christ did it come to me when i needed it most.

Now, i don’t want anyone reading what i’ve said about me and reaching out to help. I’m not suicidal(that’s the last thing i would be), i just like everyone else has got self-problems, and if this post can have a similar positive effect on my mental health, that the post about Antoinette had, then i’ll be happy. I’m sure some people feel the same way about themselves, i just don’t know. I may hate myself but i know at this present moment that i have a way of making things right and have people around me to drive myself to make that happen,there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Let’s just hope it’s not the train.

Mind Yourself

Seán